04 January 2018

25-30 Marriage

Assamualaikum. Good day!

Happy New Year, everyone...

Kali ni, sekali lagi, aku nak cakap pasal kawen ni. Aku tau yg membaca blog aku ni suka kalau sembang-sembang pasal kawen ni.

Nak dijadikan cerita, mak ayah aku mulai bertanya dengan aku soal calon suami/ kawan istimewa sejak aku berumur 25 tahun. Aku rasa masa tu mereka dah rasa aku ni dah boleh kawen, walhal aku sendiri tak rasa camtu. Tiba2 keluar serious talk pasal marriage, aku sendiri pun shocked, awkward.

Ya, aku xde so-called kawan istimewa, masa tu, dan sekarang pun. Aku punya ramai kawan lelaki, tapi xde yang istimewa. Haha. Aku pernah suka betul2 kat someone, sekali je setakat ini. Aku ni boleh kira dengar cakapla. Mak aku selalu pesan, waktu masih study jangan nak menggatal  bercouple. Jadi, aku betul2 tak berani nak menuju ke arah itu. Guys nak berkenalan, aku lari, avoid them. Sampai orang kata aku ni memilih la, terlalu rigid la, warak sangat la. Salahkah aku ikut pesan mak aku? Come on la, mungkin baju aku longgar, tudung aku labuhla sikit, tapi aku belum sampai ke tahap alim/ warak ye. Banyak lagi aku kena belajar dan perbaiki. Aku tak nak la tarik ayah dan abg2ku masuk neraka, nak diorg dapat pahala. Lagipun, pakai elok2 gini, takla tertarik suami masuk neraka. Sweet tak aku? Teehee. 

Tahun ni umur aku masuk 28 tahun. Rasa dewasa semacam. Dan aku masih study. Tapi mak cakap, bolehla cari2 kalau2 jumpa jodoh. Ekk...aku tengah study kot. Dulu cakap tak boleh. Sekarang boleh pula. Konpius aku. 😂 Apapun, sekarang ni bukan masalah aku tengah study, cuma feeling ke arah tu tak ada. Seronok juga tengok member ramai dah kawen dan nak kawen, tapi aku masih rasa belum bersedia, belum terfikir. Kawan aku sorg ni cakap, kalau aku masih tak terfikir nak kawen tu, maksudnya belum jodoh. 😊 

Hidup ni kena percaya pada Qada' & Qadar Allah. Tak la stress2 hidup tak tenang. Percaya kepada Qada' dan Qadar Allah tu merupakan Rukun iman yang ke-6. Tengok, nice kan ajaran Islam. Kalau kita ikut, insyaAllah, kita boleh merasa nikmat kebahagiaan.

Beriman atau percaya kepada qada dan qadar itu bermaksud percaya dengan sepenuh hati bahawa Allah telah menentukan segala sesuatu yang akan terjadi untuk mahluknya (qada dan qadar).

Setiap manusia telah diciptakan dengan ketentuan sejak azali lagi. Takdir ni ada 2 jenis, iaitu;

1.Takdir Muallaq

Takdir muallaq yaitu takdir yang masih dapat diubah dengan usaha atau ikhtiar .Contohnya, kalau nak berjaya, kena berusaha, nak kaya, kena bekerja. Dan juga jodoh pun perlu diusahakan. Allah takkan mengub
ah nasib sesuatu kaum itu sehingga mereka mau mengubah nasib mereka sendiri. (Ar-Ra'd: 11) 

2. Takdir Mubran

Takdir mubran yaitu takdir yang tidak dapat diubah. Contohnya, MATI. Syarat mati itu bukan sakit, tapi hidup.

Dengan beriman/ percaya kepada Qada' dan Qadar, kita akan lebih bersyukur kepada Allah, menjadi lebih dekat kepada-Nya, dan turut menjadikan kita orang yang sentiasa berusaha dan tidak berputus asa. Selain tu, kita akan mendapat ketenangan, jauh dari sifat sombong, dan sentiasa bersabar dan bertawakkal lepada Allah.

**********


Misc: Epilog Q


Ya. Sebelum ni aku pernah betul-betul suka dekat sorang insan bernama Wafdan. For many years. Suami aku ni adalah cinta keduaku, dan insyaAllah yg terakhir buatku. 

Wafdan. Aku suka dia sejak di bangku sekolah, tapi aku mulai sedar yang aku betul2 serius mencintainya semasa aku buat degree. Kalau ditanya kenapa aku suka dia, aku pun tak tau. Nak kata hensem, sejujurnya, suami aku ni lagi hensem. Tambah comel dengan lesung pipit di pipi. Nak kata sebab dia sweet, memang tak la. Orang kata, cinta itu datang tiba-tiba. Unexpectedly, towards unexpected someone. Dan masa tu, Wafdan bagiku. Perasaanku tak pernah goyah. Ada saja jejaka yang ingin berkenalan dengan aku, tapi aku punya setia tu, sangatlah tak bertempat. Nak kata aku 'in a relationship dengan Wafdan', tak juga. Sehinggalah Shu@Lutfi jumpa ibu dan ayahku. Masa tu, aku tak boleh nak reject senang2. Aku sedar, perasaan bukan lagi sekadar saluran kebahagiaan, tapi dokumentari kehidupan. 

Masa aku terima suami aku ni pun, perasaanku pada Wafdan masih bersisa. It has been years after all. Orang kata, kalau kita keep on doing certain things tu, boleh jadi habit. Mungkin itu yang terjadi padaku. Hatiku dah terbiasa mencintainya. Sehinggalah aku baca diari suamiku hari tu. Member aku pernah cakap, to be with someone who really loves you is better than being with someone you love. Dan untuk aku, that someone adalah my Mr. Right, Shu@Lutfi. 

I love you, Shu. May Allah bless our marriage, till jannah. InsyaAllah.

#misc #epilogQ

31 December 2017

Year-End Rant: My 2017

My 2017.

2017 has been a really tiring yet rewarding year.

Career. I changed job, still not a permanent one. I met many kind of people, mostly academicians and researchers, and they are all inspiring. Advising me to pursue academic/ research, but I just can't see myself as one in the future. Completed my own research activities and started with journal articles and thesis writing. As if. 😂 Yea, I did completed it in fact, but somehow, as I wrote my thesis, I found out that there is something wrong/ lack in my research. So, I've decided to improve and recollect the data. However, I am not going to waste my previous data. I am still working on the papers I planned to produce with the data. Research is fun, without restriction, with freedom. I went to many underserved villages and learn so much. Suffer as much. 😂 Even so, it motivates me to give. Through knowledge.


Time flies. Love fades.

Love. The fact that he's still the only one i have ever loved is wonderful. Blame my stubborn heart. Knowing that i am insignificant to him is kinda painful. All the moments we spent together, and every little words he ever said sticks in my mind, thus, i didn't realize that time flies. Love is space and time measured by the heart. But for us, it was unmeasurable, coz i was the only one with space in my heart for him. I am. There has yet the second. Seeing him still change my heart rythm. Keep being like this, and it'll become a habit. In fact, it already is. Loving him. Since when did our path become so parallel that it seems like it'll never cross each other. More than a decade passed, and I am still filled with both love and hesitation.

Izinkan aku memetik kata-kata ini untuk yang kedua kalinya: (tahun ni kurang baca buku, banyak baca journal article je, so, xde quotation baru...haha)

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym.  

“Happiness is not the absence of problems; it's the ability to deal with them.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free.

2017. Tried to be as positive as i can, everyday. Always. And will keep on doing so. And this year, i'm healthier than the year before. Spent less time with family, thus often get homeSICK. 😁 Gain weight, BMI still ideal. Experienced the worst sunburn in my life, as well. That was very bad. Ruined my skin, but I care less about it than about getting a real job. But somehow, 2017 was satisfying in overall. I am going to work harder to find a real stable job. Wish me all the best, everyone!

*****

Hari ini
Kau berfikir kenapa kau kerja separuh mati
Berjaga sehingga dinihari
Tapi tidak dihargai
Yang dapat hanya caci maki

Completed study, waaa i'm happy
Now i'm an adult, so, i'm free
Those feeling remains in your memory
U feel like life is cruel? Yea it can be...

Kau dah berkerja tetap, mengeluh setiap hari
Padahal di luar sana ramai yang masih mencari
Awal dapat kerja dulu bukan ka kau dah janji?
Nak kerja elok2 nak bangunkan diri

This is not a grievance, not even slightly
Just a reminder on how to be happy
Life shouldn't be full of dissatisfaction, but with positivity
Yea, we know each individual differs in their personality
But optimism drives you forward, don't you agree?

Kau ingat boleh jadi optimis hari ini lepas berdoa malam tadi?
Kau ingat fikiran positif itu ada dijual beli?
Tidak, pemikiran ni kita bentuk sendiri, dengan mendidik hati
Yea, tak usah cari sana sini, dah ada dalam diri
INSYAALAH mudah jika disirami dengan percaya pada Ilahi.


*Yes, i compiled my fb posts. 😂


*****

Dunia akhir zaman

Umatnya

Terjerat dalam perangkap materialism
Hanyut melayari bahtera kekayaan yang mempesona
Terperangkap dalam sangkar hedonism
Lantas kecundang dalam penipuan dunia.


It's a wrap! So, the end of my 2017 was well spent with both friends and relatives.

Photo credit: Everyone else. 😂


*****^_^*****

2018's resolution?

To do my best in everything and live my life to the fullest.


22 October 2017

Doubt

Assalamualaikum semua.

Dah lama aku tak jenguk blog ni. Walaupun ada banyak perkara yang aku nak share...lain kali la k...kali ni aku nak merapu je.

Nak dijadikan cerita, aku rasa aku sekarang ni punya self-esteem yang sangat low. Bagi yang mengikuti perkembangan aku, mungkin dah kenal aku ni macam mana, dan macam mana aku deal dengan different situations. And one of them is to talk in front of the audience. Masa aku keja di telecentre dulu, aku rilek je bagi talk depan 300++ audience. Tapi, lepas daripada proposal defense hari tu, aku dah tak yakin setiap kali nak membuat pembentangan. That was a traumatic experience for me.

Aku baru lepas hadiri conference sempena  UNIMAS silver jubilee as one of the presenters. Ntah mcm mana la paper aku yg tidak bagus tu boleh dipanggil untuk dibentangkan. Itu satu misteri. So, as expected, i was not as ethusiastic to present the paper. Dengan trauma dari PD, ditambah tiada motivasi dan tak yakin dengan paper tu, aku present like it's not so important. Supervisor aku tanya kwn2 aku sama ada diorg dah ready tak untuk presentation paper masing2. Tapi dia langsung tak tanya aku. Don't get me wrong. I trust my supervisor's decision to let me be independent. But dalam keadaan mental aku yang penuh dgn doubt about myself & my work, aku rasa being independent buat aku makin hilang arah, buat aku tertanya-tanya sama ada aku buat benda yang betul...either my SV trust me, or he's not actually interested in my topic. All those thoughts actually lead me to think that i chose the wrong topic and that my research is not worthy. Yea, suma ni cuma mainan minda. Tapi aku betul2 down.

Aku ni lepas kerja 2 tahun setengah baru sambung study...of course aku expect ada banyak hurdles yg perlu aku hadapi. Tapi semuanya OK saja. Sbb tu aku doubt my progress. Am I really doing okay?

Btw, masa conference tu, i didn't manage to answer the questions properly. I regret that. So, i want to answer all those questions here.

1. What did i meant by 'rural area'?

I didn't expect to be asked this. In my research context, the rural area is the underserved area located around at least 30 minutes from the town. However, the sample population i'm going to study are the villages that has been provided with ICT facilities (telecentre & internet access) by the government.

2. Why did i chose kuching and samarahan which mostly already has the facilities?

1stly, I intentionally doing my study in the area with facilities. If i conduct the research in the area which has no facilities, then i might not be able to identify the reason for internet resistance, coz they have no facilities. Then how can they adopt the technology? The reason would definitely be lack of facility then. Instead, if i did my research in the area with facility, they are many information i can get, including to assess the effectiveness of the intervention itself. I can see the geographical disparities in internet adoption... how their economic activies shape their interest in using internet, and how the intervention help in socioeconomic developement. In addition, moving towards digital economy, the government will provide internet access and improve telecommunication services in the other rural areas. So, it's very important to know the problem now to improve the intervention, therefore it would be impactful from the beginning.

3. When I talk about economic development, is it about e-commerce/e-marketing?

Yea, that was part of it. Mainly, the economic development here is depending on the economic activities of the rural community...which is mostly agricultural activities. Of course, e-marketing is part of it, especially on the marketing of the local product, which would give a great impact on the economic development in these rural areas. Besides that, i'm also looking at the impact of internet on employment and income.

4. Did i really find the negative impact of internet?

The impact of internet adoption is depending on how they use the internet. Based on my observation and literature, as well as interviews with some community members, there are positive & negative impact of it.

A. Education
The internet give a positive impact to the learning behaviour and academic performance through e-learning. But, the overusage of internet by the student on games or other entertainment give a negative impact in their academic performance. This is part of how some parents see telecentre in a negative way.

B. Economic.
There is no negative impact in the economic perspective of the local community.

C. Healthcare
Positive impact: information-seeking (KKM fb)
Negative impact: wrong information-seeking. Looking for 'petua2' that was not confirmed to be right. Rely on information from internet or google to look for a cure instead of going to the clinic.

They are just a few negative cases. Most of the rural people trust clinical treatment more and know that the information from the internet is unreliable when it comes to healthcare.

D. Social
Positive: youth community (gather youth with same interest to find a way to be productive using their interest, such as busking, videography, photography, business & etc., communication, social relation, etc.
Negative: too much exposure to other culture which influence the younger generation. Eg: pornography, drugs & violence.

The negative social impact of internet were mostly commented by the older generation.


That's it. Except for the 1st question, the answer for the other 3 was in my mind during the presentation. But somehow, i cannot say it out. I just want to get my session done with. Prof. N's comments during my PD keeps on rewinding in my head.

I would like to apologize to everyone who was there during my presentation.

I am going to remember my failure, always. So that i keep on improving myself. I must. But somehow i don't see myself improving. Will i be okay?