Misc~ Epilog

Aku Shu. Muhammad Lutfi bin Lim Abdullah. Aku mungkin orang yang paling memahami Qaisara. Seumur hidup aku yang baru 25 tahun ni, ruang istimewa di hatiku hanya ada dia, sebagaimana di hatinya hanya ada Wafdan. We share the same love experience. Fall deeply in love with someone from the 1st time we ever learn to have that feeling until now. 

Bagi aku, Q yang pertama dan terakhir. The fact that she love Wafdan one-sidedly hurt me more than knowing that she never had any feeling towards me. Sebab aku faham bagaimana rasanya. Tapi, Q yang setia mencintai seorang lelaki tu yang aku suka, walaupun lelaki tu bukan aku. Aku cuba sampaikan perasaanku beberapa kali, tapi sentiasa ditolak dengan baik. Mau saja aku kasi 1 penumbuk kat Wafdan. Siapakah Wafdan sampaikan aku yang macho sado lagi bergaya ni pun dia tolak? Just kidding.

Siang tadi, aku terserempak dengan Q. Ok..itu tipu. Aku tau sekarang dia pelatih kaunseling di sini. Jadi aku saja nak tengok dia..dari jauh. Kalau dekat sangat nanti berdebar pula jantungku. Kalau bunyi best macam Pete Ray's drum sound takpe la jugak.

Q sedang bercakap dengan seorang pelajar perempuan. Tiba-tiba dia menoleh dan ternampak aku. Bila mata bertentangan... 

Kemudian dia menaip something di HP nya. Notifikasi HP ku berbunyi seketika kemudian. Whatsapp dari dia.

'Shu, what's up? Nak jumpe sy ke? Kejap ye. Dah nak selesai ni.'

Haih..boleh pula dia men HP time tengah session. Alamak. Tadi plan nak tengok dari jauh je. Aku rasa nak lari..tapi rasa nak stay jugak. Aku fikir punya lama nak lari ke stay sampai dia selesai sesi dan keluar dari biliknya dan berjalan menuju aku. Ek..bila dia dtg jmpa aku, tak pula aku berdebar. 

Kami borak macam biasa. Ya, kami kawan. Aku takla kecewa dengan hakikat yang kami hanya kawan. It can't be helped. Q pernah cakap, 'being in love with Wafdan somehow became a habit. Unconciously.' Mungkin macam tu juga la aku rasa kat dia. Mencintainya dah jadi habit. 

Q,Of all the things u can steal from me, why must it be my heart?

"Ehem. Buat apa tu?" Sapa Lutfi yang berdiri di muka pintu.
Qaisara mengangkat diari Lutfi. "Reading." Jawabnya.
"What? Oh my wife, sayang... Punya banyak lagi buku di rak tu, kenapa la diari ni jugak awak nak baca?" Lalu menutup diari di tangan Q.
"Buku-buku tu saya dah habis baca." Ujar Q.
"Oh ya? Takpe. Nanti saya beli satu rak lagi dengan buku-buku baru. Jom gerak." Ajak Lutfi. "Isfa minta awak datang awal kan?" Sambungnya lagi. 

Qaisara hanya diam lalu bangun dari kerusi dan  mengejar Lutfi yang tergesa-gesa keluar dari bilik dengan muka merah.

"Abang, I have developed a new habit." Ujar Q sambil bergerak beriringan menuju ke kereta.
"Ya? Apa dia?" Tanya Lutfi sambil menekan butang unlock keretanya. 
"Feeling happy for being loved by u."

Rambling

Assalamualaikum.

Hi everyone. I'm now 27 years old. 27 years old on 27th April 2017. Sounds good... People said, woman around my age don't really like talking about age. But i'm one of those who do not care about it. As i grow older, i feel grateful. Being someone with a bad health, i'm really grateful to live another day in my life.

How are you? I hope everyone is fine and doing  your best to make everyday in your life the best day. As i'm always trying to.

Are you having a hard time? I don't think i'm the right person to respond to that situation. This few months, i too, having quite a hard time...by myself. Even so, if u're having a hard time, i hope you can talk to someone about it. Especially your family. Your family would want you to talk and rely on them. As for me, i endured well. Healed myself. I am not expressive about my own feeling after all. I distract myself with working, teaching, and studying. When i tried to talk with someone, i always ended up listening. Maybe that's why, it become harder to talk about myself with anyone. It's good though...i can at least be of help to someone. 😀

To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain't over 'til it's over.

Once, in a motivational talk, I talk about CHANGE. With just a small change in our perspective/ way of thinking, we can gain a bit more confidence and motivation. It can change our lives. I too, have so many weakness. I am introvert. I'm uncomfortable with crowds. I'm scared of many things. One thing that makes me feel better despite those weaknesses is, it makes me realize that i have people who understand me. People who will stand beside me unconditionally. Someone who would offer to help and cheer me when i need to be in crowds and talk in front of many people. Someone who didn't feel bad about me rejecting their phone call. Someone who patiently sit with me and bear with my silence and try to make me talk without forcing me. Even with all those weaknesses, I live with gratefulness. They are the strength Allah gives me to help me with my weaknesses.

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.

Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. 

Surah Al-Insyirah, 5- 6

So what if u have a weakness? Or more than one. We can try to change. If it's too hard, it's fine not to change. We can just learn how to cope in those situations. I remember my 1st talk with the community. I held the microphone with both hands. The kids who sat in front of me asked:

"Kak, ktk mok belagu ka?" (Are u going to sing?)

I smiled.

The next time it happen, i responded,

"Aok..ktk mok request lagu pa?" (Yea, what song do u want to request?) and the crowds laughed.

Until today, i am still uncomfortable and nervous in crowds. It's a situation that i will avoid as long as i can. But if it's unavoidable, i'll just go through it. Being responsible is more important than being comfortable.

You want to live an easy life? Then, don't expect anything. Don't do anything. Every expectation comes with hardwork. Hopes or wishes come with effort. Dream or ambition comes with determination and diligence.

What's important isn't trying not to trip/ fall, but how quickly u can get back up.

******************

About my study....

In fact, deep inside my heart, i'm giving up. But i know that i shouldn't actually give up...for my parents and my supervisor. So, i'll just walk through the path. It's quite hard though. I feel like throwing up everytime i study and do my research. I'll just endure and end this properly.

I can't clearly see the path ahead me.
Unsure of what's tomorrow will have waiting for me.

In life, a refresh is essential.
Indeed.

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Sulaman rindu pada hati yang meraih cinta Pencipta
Bisikan redha demi mengejar sebuah halawatul iman
Cipta grafiti cinta berseni hakiki penuh makna
Indah terlakar dalam tiupan ketenangan

***
Aku mengukir makna dalam tarian tinta
Memanggil inspirasi dalam grafiti cinta
Memadam khayalan kaburi aspirasi hati
Mengamati ritma hidup, bermeditasi.

*******************

Since when did our path become so parallel that it seems like it'll never crossed each other. I tried as much as I can, but it's hard to express my feeling. I hesitated, many times. A decade passed, and I'm still filled with both love and hesitation. I never expect that 'I love u' is such a hard word to say.

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Signifikankah aku di hatimu?

I wonder, would my feeling ended up being like a tennis tournament. Coz in tennis, 'love' is 0 (zero).