My 2021

Part 1: A void

I still enjoy studying. However, the more I studied, the more I became overwhelmed with the emptiness that I started to feel ever since ayah left. Ayah was a big supporter of my study journey. Once, he visited me in UNIMAS and told me to keep studying until I become tired of it because I am the only one of my siblings who enjoy studying. He used to sit beside me when I was studying. Sometimes, he bought some Coke & snacks for me. 

Whenever I'm experiencing something interesting in my life, I miss ayah and the 'ayah, tauk x yah...' sessions I had with him. I don't talk much, so he used to look forward to my 'tauk x yahh..'. I talked about my workshops, I talked about the people I met during my field trip, the boar, the river, the foods I ate, the longhouses, the road, ferry, dolphin, my friends, and many other things. 

Part 2: Dream?

The thing about doing research study is you get to learn from experts in the field, get some constructive criticism, open your mind to new ideas and limitless knowledge, and develop your research and analytical mind. And yes, I want to grow more as a researcher, but I don't want to teach. That's why I hardly find a suitable place for me. Because willingness and desire to be an excellent social & management researcher, have always been associated with the teaching profession. But I'm pretty sure that I am not good at teaching. I wonder, will I ever find my place someday?

Part 3: Change

I always believe that I'm the kind of person who just follows the flow in life. When I'm no longer appreciated, I leave. When I see a better opportunity to explore the world more, I take up the challenge. When I am not confident about being the kind of person people expect me to be, I run away from them before I become a disappointment. But maybe, all this while, I've been the one who creates the path for my life to flow. 

I relocated to Selangor for my new job in November 2021. I wouldn't say that this is my 1st time working far from my family because I think I go home more frequently now as compared to when I was working in UNIMAS.

Being in an unfamiliar place, it took a while for me to adapt, especially to the environment and culture. My life here has been only about my apartment and workplace. And these two are in the same building. I still can't get used to the people around me. 😅

2021 is a year of change for me. I made a big decision for myself. I left a stable job. I published a research article for fun (not because of requirement), I unintentionally became a data scientist, I relocated and started to live alone. 

Last but not least, there shouldn't be a difference between what we work for and what we live for. Both of them should lead to the same conclusion.

2021 was a year when I finally learned to align my beliefs with my motivation and dream.

***

Being Wise

Wisdom doesn't always need to be relative to academic qualification or status in society.

My parents show us that being wise doesn't need academic certification, position in society or money. Instead, all it needs is the ability to see the good in others and know what matters the most. 

Ayah showed us that sometimes we don't have to fight to prove that we're right. There are meaningless fights in life. It is just a matter of perspectives. There might be fights that we lose or ignore, but by doing that, we are winning. Arguments should be made to understand, not to show that we're right or to force our ideas onto others. I don't accept other people ideas blindly without asking and having arguments. That's how we understand each other, learn new things, and grow. So, do argue with an intention to understand, not to contradict. 

***

'The world changes drastically overnight. Those who can stand up to it are professionals with the right skills.'

I read this somewhere. Not sure where.

***

Newton's Third Law of Motion

Life is all about choices and consequences.

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." - Sir Isaac Newton

Some people try hard and give their best with no other intention than to be helpful while developing themselves. They simply refuse to stop reaching their full potential and expanding and growing.

Often time they were misunderstood as trying to show off when they genuinely felt responsible about giving back to those who gave them the opportunity, taught them things and made them the person they are now.

While people misunderstand their efforts and principles, they struggle with being stuck between 2 choices: to keep their values & principles or to work in a so-so manner, stop giving extra effort but liked by others. The latter would lead them to a life full of guilt and self disappointments.

And our action can determine their reaction.

Think positively; some people live their lives to the fullest to avoid regret later. Let them be, and don't change them. Don't make things hard for the people who try to ease things for you.

And for you, think about when you are the happiest working despite the challenges. Return to that path, and stay on it. It's hard and lonely, but it comes with barakah and self-fulfilment. But when the environment causes you to contemplate right and wrong, or to the extent where you feel that it would be better that you are not around, leave. Don't stay when your self-esteem might be destroyed in the process of being considerate. 

And for the employer, don't close your eyes just because you don't want to go against the majority. You are not a politician. Don't play safe. Trust me, when your employee leaves, they hold the most grudge on you instead of the colleagues who mistreated them. 

The 15 years that end in one second

Why am I not into relationships?

#In the context of this revelation, a relationship means, love connection between 2 strangers—meaning, not family.#

I have never been in a solid relationship to decide whether being in a relationship is a good thing or not. But I did have been in a very confusing relationship to know that a real relationship is not for me. Yet. At least not yet.

One of the things that I learned from my confusing relationship is that a relationship comes with the burden of the feeling of the need to rely on your partner. I am not saying that it is a bad thing. It is nice to have someone to rely on, or better yet, to rely on each other. 

But unfortunately, I am not used to it. Most of the time, I want to handle things myself, and I don't even want to talk about everything to anyone. Yet, your partner usually expects that you rely on them and talk about everything with them. And meeting that expectation is hard for me. It can be overwhelming. Being not given space when all you need is that is tiring. Being forced to talk about something that you are not ready to talk about is suffocating. For me, being in each other's corner is good enough. Give space, and when they speak to you, listen. 

That is why I have never been in a relationship... and haven't thought of being in one yet, because I know very well that love, protecting each other and relying on each other is a package.

***

Just one second...

I have finally confessed my feeling to the person I've liked during my entire teenage and youth. Of course, I didn't say the 15 years part. And I clearly told him not to worry, as I am not into a relationship. After I told him about my feeling, I felt relieved. And I feel a little bit stupid. I've spent 15 years avoiding relationships because that space in my heart was occupied...and it took only one second to end the episodes of questioning myself 'what if...?' The friendship that I have with him is full of only good memories that I am afraid of the changes that might happen when there are emotional attachments. That's the main reason for not telling him about my feeling. Because it will definitely make things awkward, and I'll hate that. However, I believe that now we're not anymore can be disturbed easily with something like this. I will not feel awkward around him, and I hope he'll not too.

Cheers to the end of my 15 years of unspoken love!