I'm sorry, Prof.

Days passed, and not one went by without feeling that void. Other than my family, you are the only person who believed in me. You never doubted me, not even when you entrusted me with the responsibilities I held in the institution.

When I quit my job to focus on consulting, you invited me to join the institution. However, I declined, choosing instead to pursue my career in Selangor. After a few months, you reached out again, saying you needed me on your team. After much thought, and considering my family situation, I decided to return and join u here.  And now, you’re gone, leaving behind a long list of tasks to me. You always reminds me that all that matters is that you know me and how I work, and not to be bothered by other people's words.

I still regret distancing myself during your final weeks at the workplace. I never got the chance to apologize. All I can do now is help realize the things u want me to do for the institution, as best as I can within my role. I often feel inadequate, but I promise to work hard. It's harder now, without your guidance. Every day feels like a struggle, and work has never felt lonelier.

I ask myself daily—will I be okay? Am I doing things right? So much has changed since you left, and I can't pretend otherwise.

'Bringing in the technology is easy. But to manage the transformation requires strategies and ability to see things from the wider perspectives. That's where you came in. I am pretty sure that you will know what we need. Establish our IT ecosystem, and start the smart digital campus project.' Now, as the project moves forward, you’re no longer here to witness it. I can't help but blame myself for my shortcomings. Every time I complete the tasks you asked me to do, I feel sad and regret not having done them faster when you were here.

I’m sorry, Prof.

You showed me paths when I was lost,  

You let me speak, no matter the cost.  

Without judgment, without command,  

You patiently lent a guiding hand.  

I can't deny, it's clear to see,  

Your wisdom shaped the best of me.  

The words I held, kept deep and true,

I never spoke before I lost you.

I’m grateful still for all you gave,

Your lessons guide me, strong and brave.

Though you're gone, I feel it still,  

Your voice, your heart, your guiding will.  

So thank you, though you’ve moved on,  

In my heart, you’re never gone. 

***

Why am I still here?

Life - Repeat

Aku berdiri teguh di pentas dunia 

Jalani sketsa hidup didasari rasa percaya 

Terkadang menahan pedih gurisan tindak manusia

Terus mencari kemanisan dalam pahitnya rasa 

~intishar, 300523 

****** 

Life is all about choices and consequences. 

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." -Albert Einstein

The older we get, the harder it is to keep up with life's changes. As time passes, life becomes more challenging. We stumble upon things (some might come as a surprise), and we have to decide how to act on them. 

When starting something new or when changes happen in our professional life, it is normal to struggle in the beginning. Embrace the change, and take the challenge. One day, we will realize that all of what we achieve through the experience are mainly due to our commitment to our self-development. Because without commitment, we would never be able to normalize the new life, and you will never be able to feel proud of your achievement. 

One of the quotes that kept me moving forward when my life was too hectic with work+study+social life that I wish time could be paused: 

"If you give up, it's over. But if you don't give up, the day will come when you'll be glad that you didn't give up."

The simple way of thinking about it is that there is no such thing as useless, invaluable, or unbeneficial knowledge. Knowledge is power. I'm sure no one can deny it. And only those with a good attitude towards knowledge can enjoy the wisdom behind it.

If we can’t see far to the future, we could focus on the present. Live our present life to the fullest. Learn something new. Improve ourselves. Make every day our best day! Be someone we can be proud of. I am proud of myself today because I completed another task. I am proud of myself today because I solved a problem. I am proud of myself today because I helped people. I am tired, but it is worth it!

Enjoy every little accomplishment we achieve every day.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym. 

When challenges knock on our door, we only have 2 choices. Open the door and FACE IT - we get to be stronger, explore new things, develop ourselves. Or AVOID IT, and stay where we are, and we never know what's behind that door. When we see the bright side of everything that happens in our lives, challenges will never be a bad thing. 

Appreciate every second in our lives, and never waste it because every moment happens only once. No rewind button, no pause button.

You are the author of your life story!

“To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” -Yogi Berra, 1973-

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (94:5-6)

May every day be our best day! 

 

My 2022 - Stepping into 2023

2022 was a year when changes happened drastically my life. I encountered and experienced many new things. Working in an unfamiliar place with new people and started getting into an unfamiliar role. I left a job and got into a new role. 

Academia 

I became an academician. I had my first group of students. I wrote a paper and started writing a book on HR Analytics. I delivered HR training. I developed 2 web applications. I developed an Excel Analytics training module from basic to advanced level. I created an HR dashboard integrating 14 key HR metrics. 

My research grant application was successful. And I had a hard time working on it as I came to hate research. But it is my responsibility. That changed feeling about research made me feel devastated and down. Some people know what research used to mean to me. And since 2022, research has become a burden and not fun anymore. None of my team members know that I am pushing myself through and through for this project. (unless they found this)

I had a tough time in my new workplace. Not knowing my role and identity and miscommunications occurred that put me in a corner. And I started to feel like my 2019-2021 repeats again. But my father's words always get me back on my feet. 'the most important thing is only all that matters.' 

The moments that bind us to our decisions are not in how often we get lost in contemplation; neither are they in the kind of heart that we can commit to that something rather are in that first step that we initiate to get things done.

- Tendai Kasusu 

*** no-context writing

In my opinion, in any organisation, there should not be any role that's considered more significant than the others. So, no one in the organisation has the right to think that they are the most important people in the organisation. Let's take an analogy. If we believe that a car engine is more important than the other parts of a car, what's the point of the engine without the other parts? It cannot serve its purpose at all. What's the point of having an engine without a mechanism to start it? What's the point of starting the engine when it cannot do anything by itself? 

That is what an organisation is. Everyone has a significant role and workload. 

Non-working time 

In 2022, I hung out more with my family and friends. 

We went to Sibu, Mukah, and Miri to visit mom's siblings. I drove from Kuching-Miri-Kuching.  

I went camping and glamping with Shikin. I had lunch with Aimi. I played badminton with Shikin for a short while and took a break from it when my health worsened. I got better now, anyway.

I was infected with covid-19 once. 

My anemia worsened, and I started wearing that colored lip balm because people always said I looked pale. I diligently started my treatment again, and my condition improved significantly. I guess I still keep doing my best in everything.

Q3: An impactful professional journey

I had a great experience working in Q3. I experienced a downfall in my previous workplace. I had anxiety and was stressed out.

And Q3 healed me. Q3 helped me rebuild my self-esteem.  It was very comfortable working in a place where people don't know who I am and a place that values difference—no burdensome expectations. I am different; I have to admit it. I am uncomfortable with people, but my job was all about dealing with people who are our beneficiaries and stakeholders. It took me a lot of courage and effort to socialize. But my bosses were very understanding. Every time I needed to ask something from the stakeholders or delegate tasks to my colleagues, I thought very carefully about it. Will they be okay to do this? Am I being fair in delegating tasks? Am I making things hard for them? Is it ok to ask for this and that from them? Hence, my bosses sometimes had to intervene. Either my bosses were patient with me, or they had no choice. I'm not sure. But I really like my bosses. I will always be grateful to them.

When it comes to talent development, I believe that we should not limit one's capacity. Instead of seeing the limit to one's capacity, we should focus on the broad opportunity for growth since, by default, the opportunity for growth is always wider than one's current ability. In that sense, Q3's environment was somehow aligned with my belief. My experience in Q3 made me realize that the amount of knowledge we can learn is not necessarily relative to the amount of time we spent with the organisation / person. 

I don't regret my decision to leave, as it was for unavoidable and honorable reasons. I take it as a journey Allah set for me. I am grateful for that. I still miss my ex-bosses and colleagues there. And I miss that window where I screamed people's names for making things hard for me. 😂

Through this one fateful meeting

I learn to cherish each and every encounter

Even if the seasons change

Even if the times start to change

Even if the doors of the future have opened

We will move forward without changing

Thank you, Q3. It has been a great adventure. I've learned a lot.

Welcome, 33.

When job offers come to us without sending a job application, we are exposed to the risk of wanting to leave whenever things become hard at work. And it is obviously not good. I wish ayah is here to listen to my concerns and struggles. I miss ayah.

My current boss has been telling me to express myself more when I have been doing so. Usually, I won't talk at all. But nowadays, I express my frustration and disappointment to others.