The 15 years that end in one second

Why am I not into relationships?

#In the context of this revelation, a relationship means, love connection between 2 strangers—meaning, not family.#

I have never been in a solid relationship to decide whether being in a relationship is a good thing or not. But I did have been in a very confusing relationship to know that a real relationship is not for me. Yet. At least not yet.

One of the things that I learned from my confusing relationship is that a relationship comes with the burden of the feeling of the need to rely on your partner. I am not saying that it is a bad thing. It is nice to have someone to rely on, or better yet, to rely on each other. 

But unfortunately, I am not used to it. Most of the time, I want to handle things myself, and I don't even want to talk about everything to anyone. Yet, your partner usually expects that you rely on them and talk about everything with them. And meeting that expectation is hard for me. It can be overwhelming. Being not given space when all you need is that is tiring. Being forced to talk about something that you are not ready to talk about is suffocating. For me, being in each other's corner is good enough. Give space, and when they speak to you, listen. 

That is why I have never been in a relationship... and haven't thought of being in one yet, because I know very well that love, protecting each other and relying on each other is a package.

***

Just one second...

I have finally confessed my feeling to the person I've liked during my entire teenage and youth. Of course, I didn't say the 15 years part. And I clearly told him not to worry, as I am not into a relationship. After I told him about my feeling, I felt relieved. And I feel a little bit stupid. I've spent 15 years avoiding relationships because that space in my heart was occupied...and it took only one second to end the episodes of questioning myself 'what if...?' The friendship that I have with him is full of only good memories that I am afraid of the changes that might happen when there are emotional attachments. That's the main reason for not telling him about my feeling. Because it will definitely make things awkward, and I'll hate that. However, I believe that now we're not anymore can be disturbed easily with something like this. I will not feel awkward around him, and I hope he'll not too.

Cheers to the end of my 15 years of unspoken love!