Eid 1441H

Assalamualaikum.

This year's Eid will be different than before, due to this Covid-19 outbreak. Sarawak is still in the phase of Conditional Movement Control Order (CMCO) implemented by the government to break the chain of the virus. Unlike most family, personally, for me, this Eid will be more joyful than ever. I never really enjoy Eid, because my mom was usually not in a good mood during Eid. 

Since my mom married my father, she hardly went back to her hometown to visit our grandparent in Mukah. She told me, there was once, she ran amok just to go to her parents because she missed them too much, but my father could not afford to send her back. Ended up, my father's dad (my grandpa) lent her some money for that. I always pitied my mother since I was young, because of that. Every Eid, mom's mood had never been good. So as me. I just don't like to see my mom being sad. I know there are many things she thought about during Eid. About the regret she had for not celebrating Eid with her parents since her marriage, about how much she miss her parents, and about how unfair it is for her to enjoy Eid when she hardly made her parents happy during Eid since her marriage. Our family was kinda poor before. When my parents can finally afford going to my mother's hometown for a few times in a year, our grandparents was no longer alive. 

Back to this year's Eid, mom is excited. She said because this Eid is different...we are not allowed to cross border between districts, no ziarah raya. Maybe, she feel less guilty, somehow. Seeing how excited my mom is, I feel happy. All these years, I always feel bad about enjoying Eid with my friends. Actually, I never even went ziarah raya to my friends' houses before, until one day, my mom told me to go and enjoy my Eid. That was just few years back, when she saw my younger sister and brothers went out to ziarah raya with their friends, while I stayed at home. Unlike previous Eid, this year, my mom started planning the cake and biscuit she want to bake. She even spent few days on Facebook looking for cake recipes, and wrote them down. We bought everything she need, and even a new steamer. Aside from that, she also plant some vegetables around our house. 

So, despite all the bad things that happen to me, I can feel happy seeing my mom. 

Ya Allah, I pray for my mom's happiness and health. Amiinn Ya Rabb.

I guess, now, I'm back here, talking about everything.

2019

Missing him

Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.

I'm still not fully used of ayah not being around. Sometimes, i ask, why did Allah took him away when I'm not ready. But at times, i said to myself... Maybe, Allah took ayah back because we're ready. I know some might think that I'm making a fuss over a small matter, or that i'm childish. But ayah was a great supporter to me. He supported me endlessly, and he listened well, with no intention to contradict.

Career vs Study

Everyone has their secret sorrow which the world didn't know, and often times we call them cold when they are only sad.

2019 is one hectic and challenging year. Since February 2019, I joined a new organization, with a totally new environment. Adapting to this new place is really hard and challenging as compared to getting my job done. I changed..thus, i am disappointed at myself. I need someone to talk to... But I always ended up having no chance to talk about myself, and what I've been through. My study has not been progressive since my supervisor reviewed the draft and suggested a few improvements in the write-up. That is enough to make me feel down every day.

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

There is not even a day i feel good, nowadays. I wake up every day, with only disappointment on myself. Work is my only distraction. I am glad that I'm good at pretending that I'm fine when I'm actually not. I can still do my work even when I'm crying inside. It's frustrating, knowing how slow you are getting about your own thesis and how incompetent you are in your job. People can only see the end product, but they can never understand the process of producing something, especially when you're not that good and requires extra effort to get there. Some might think that you're good by only looking at the product or result, but u know the best about it. I stop smiling for myself. I stop saying well done to myself. And i stop feeling proud of my job.

Disappointment

I feel that I'm now living in the world where forgiveness seems irrational and the hardest thing to do. And yes, that's scary. Apart from that, somehow, nowadays, whenever I try to give advice, the only thing I get in return is contradiction and excuses. So, I choose to just listen and shut up. People who always come up with excuses and blame others for all the bad things that happen in their lives is immature (read: stupid). Some people hate me for thinking that way, though.

Why is despair not an approved state?

Despair is unthinkable for a person who is aware of the fact that Allah is the creator of every being and every event, and who measures the power of Allah by its true measure. Because Allah is the One Who removes difficulties for His servants, is most forgiving, is full of mercy and has complete power and knowledge. Every incident that people may regard as a reason for despair, including all impediments, unexpected obstacles, diseases, accidents or mistakes, in fact occurs under the complete control of Allah. Allah is All-Knowing and nothing is absent from His knowledge. Being aware that one's destiny is designated by His endless knowledge is the greatest comfort one can ever have. Knowing this fact, one can never give way to despair.

Besides this, believers, knowing that it is possible that their mistakes may be remitted in this world, do not lose hope. Indeed, people are commanded in the Qur'an not to despair of the mercy of Allah:

… Do not despair of solace from Allah. No one despairs of solace from Allah except for those who disbelieve. (Surah Yusuf: 87) 

Say: "My servants, you who have transgressed against yourselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Truly Allah forgives all wrong actions. He is the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful." (Surat az-Zumar: 53)

By Harun Yahya, Quick Grasp of Faith 2

There are 2 reasons of change.
1. To build an opportunity
2. To give up

Goodbye, 2019