2018: It's a wrap!

If I should live long,
Then perhaps the present days
May be dear to me,

Just as past time filled with grief

Comes quietly back in thought.

Another year passed.

2018 is a year full with challenges and changes.

Heartbreak.

Ayah left us last August, end of the month. 2 weeks before ayah left, we went to visit my mom's family in Sibu and Mukah. Thank you Allah for given me such a quality time to spend with my parents. Yea, we got to talk about everything....my study, my love relationship (which is none), my work, my future plan, etc. We (me and my siblings who're not staying at home due to our work) got a phone call by my mom at around 00:00 saying that my father was unconcious. I heard my mom cried hard as she talked with me, so, i kind of understood the situation. My housemate drove me back, immediately...really appreciate it. My 2nd and 3rd brother were already there when i reached home, and that gave me strength to accept the situation. Looking at them, i felt like 'we'll be fine, we should be fine...'..about the lost, and everything else. (My father was healthy and for us, it was an unexpected and a shocking event in our lives. Of course, we know very well that death has never been an unexpected situation for all of us.) Ayah and mak are our superheroes. All of our achievements (no matter how small or big), they are all due to Allah, and my parents.

I miss ayah...all the time. Semoga ayah ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yg beriman dan beramal soleh. Amiin ya rabb.

*******

Curiosity lead to exploration that build up your knowledge. Thus, you learn to love The Creator, yourself, nature and people. And those who love, own the happiness.

Exploration

This year, similarly to the previous year, I've been sent to some other rural areas for research works. Got few projects in the urban areas as well. I went to communities that still practice barter system, the one that literally 'kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang'. I went to few dilapidated schools which are obviously unsafe. I saw a hunter slaughtering a big boar (this is a new experience for me). I got to know few sick peoples who can't get treatment from the hospital because they have no IC. Huhu~ Plus, the moment that I can't forget, when the young people gathered around me and talked about their aspirations, their concerns, and their hope for the younger generation to enjoy the same opportunity especially in education, despite living very far from the town. I got to teach in a workshop fully in English because there were international students attended the workshop. (This is new!)

I learned many things from the people, and I was able to share some knowledge to them. When asked about what I'm looking for in my work, it would be the opportunity to be useful to the society. I don't plan to change the society, I don't think i'm capable of doing that, but i wish to be part of something meaningful and useful. Having been to more than 20 communities, I learned the differences in each of their needs, apart from learning about the different cultures and beliefs.

*******

Life is full with uncertainty.

Study

After ayah left, i lost my motivation to study. I became unsure of everything. I started thinking that i should stop studying and focus on getting a job. But, ayah was hoping that i can get a PhD later on. Ayah always told me to pursue PhD after i get my masters degree. In the confusion, i decided to defer my study, to think more deeply about my future plan. Since then, my research was not progressed. I am not trying to make an excuse or blame the situation for not being able to complete my study as planned, but, for me, there are things that are more important than studying. To be frank, i'm still thinking of quitting.

This semester will end very soon, and i'll return as a student next semester. I really need to get myself back on my feet.

To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain't over 'til it's over. (Yogi Berra, 1973)

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (94:5-6)

*******

There's only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved.

Love

Despite being unprepared to be in a relationship with someone, I have the experience of being loved dearly by someone, and loving someone deeply. I am a person with an ancient thinking when it comes to a relationship. Meaning, being in a relationship must comes with the intention for marriage. That's why I keep my feeling unknown to that person. Plus, marriage is not in my to-do list yet. Some might say that i'm too serious. I still can't find any reason to get married, and even to get to know someone with the intention to get married. 

Yes, I do have someone I like. To be attracted to someone of the opposite gender is fitrah...so, I don't think much about it. Except the fact that I have only like him for all these years. Maybe there has yet anyone else that can make me feel the same way as I am towards him. Hope? Expectation? I don't count on them. I believe that even if i'm not going to end up with him, once it's time, i'll meet someone meant for me, and fall in love again.

In love, nothing exists between heart and heart.
Speech is born out of longing,
True description from the real feeling.
The one who feels, knows;
the one who explains, lies.
How can you describe the true form of Something
In whose presence you are blotted out?
And in whose being you still exist?
And who lives as a sign for your journey? (Rabia al-Basri)


So, that's it for 2018. I wonder how can I wrote these while my thesis is still pending. I'll consider this as me taking a break, or maybe a distraction. Sometimes, distraction is necessary. 😉