The 15 years that end in one second

Why am I not into relationships?

#In the context of this revelation, a relationship means, love connection between 2 strangers—meaning, not family.#

I have never been in a solid relationship to decide whether being in a relationship is a good thing or not. But I did have been in a very confusing relationship to know that a real relationship is not for me. Yet. At least not yet.

One of the things that I learned from my confusing relationship is that a relationship comes with the burden of the feeling of the need to rely on your partner. I am not saying that it is a bad thing. It is nice to have someone to rely on, or better yet, to rely on each other. 

But unfortunately, I am not used to it. Most of the time, I want to handle things myself, and I don't even want to talk about everything to anyone. Yet, your partner usually expects that you rely on them and talk about everything with them. And meeting that expectation is hard for me. It can be overwhelming. Being not given space when all you need is that is tiring. Being forced to talk about something that you are not ready to talk about is suffocating. For me, being in each other's corner is good enough. Give space, and when they speak to you, listen. 

That is why I have never been in a relationship... and haven't thought of being in one yet, because I know very well that love, protecting each other and relying on each other is a package.

***

Just one second...

I have finally confessed my feeling to the person I've liked during my entire teenage and youth. Of course, I didn't say the 15 years part. And I clearly told him not to worry, as I am not into a relationship. After I told him about my feeling, I felt relieved. And I feel a little bit stupid. I've spent 15 years avoiding relationships because that space in my heart was occupied...and it took only one second to end the episodes of questioning myself 'what if...?' The friendship that I have with him is full of only good memories that I am afraid of the changes that might happen when there are emotional attachments. That's the main reason for not telling him about my feeling. Because it will definitely make things awkward, and I'll hate that. However, I believe that now we're not anymore can be disturbed easily with something like this. I will not feel awkward around him, and I hope he'll not too.

Cheers to the end of my 15 years of unspoken love! 

Rambling

Love

"They do call it falling in love, and not stepping into love. The thing that they didn’t warn you was how difficult it was to get out once you have fallen in love."

This year is the crystal jubilee of my crush towards someone. I am not sure whether it is a happy thing or a sad thing. 

The optimist me: I have a loyal heart. 

The confused me: As the crush goes on, I cannot deny that it makes my heart heavier.

I am usually sweet with my girlfriends. Maybe. I care very much about them that I typically run towards them immediately when they need me. I check on them when they are sick, and I usually prioritise them over myself. 

On the other hand, I keep my distance from guys, except those I am sure would never have any special feelings towards me. That's my common sense...keeping a safe distance with guys. Despite that, I have been in love with only one stranger (man) in my entire life. So, I have been telling myself to confess my feeling this year and end this 15 years long unspoken love. Maybe then I will be able to open my heart for others. 

Career

I am still looking for a job while doing some consultancy job. 

I resigned from my previous job last May, finally. When i decided to resign in January 2020, that was already final, in both my mind and heart. When I was asked to postpone my departure for at least 1 year, I was frustrated. It was hard...holding out for more than a year. It was suffocating, and I was all alone in that fight.

Bad days gone. So, I am currently working on my own as an HR generalist and innovation consultant. I am now designing an employee retention program, and consulting on learning and development solutions. Coming up will be monitoring and evaluation solutions. One thing about being a consultant, you cannot assume and make a general proposal. You need to study the business, and propose a data-driven solution. I played with the data for around 1-2 months for each project before designing solutions aligned with the company business. And for these jobs, I don't have a team. 

Life

I miss my dad.

I miss hanging out with my siblings.

I hope to go on a vacation with my family.

I hope to enjoy an escape with my friends.

I want to start my study officially immediately. I still hope to have my previous supervisor as my supervisor.

I miss going out to the field, doing research, conducting training.

I am getting healthier...no more back pain, muscle distress, migraine. Should I grow some muscles? 

Quarantine experience: To remember

We went into a total lockdown @ Enhanced Movement Control Order (EMCO) from 28th July - 10th August 2021 when there is a sudden increase of positive cases in my village. We got food supply from the government and Tabung Baitulmal Sarawak. My brother's business was halted. Mine was operating as usual since I am doing everything online. Nothing change, except that I ran out of my facial cleanser, so I used my mom's. 😅 Aaaaa...I made ice cream and pudding, as we ran out of those too. And I craved vanilla coke, but I took this opportunity to cut off the consumption a bit.

Now that it ended, I feel the urge to unlock my heart, too...but I don't feel right to throw this bomb on him. I can live with it for 15 years, so additional year/s won't hurt, i guess.