Trust

Hari ini, aku terfikir. Entah apa yang dapat ku percayai sepenuhnya di dunia ini.

Pembangunan teknologi menjadikan sumber-sumber media begitu mudah dimanipulasi. Dan manusia pula begitu mudah terpengaruh dengan kandungan media. Buat aku ragu, apakah aku harus percaya pada orang-orang di sekelilingku? Pengalaman lalu menambah keraguanku pada manusia. 

Hmmm...baikla... Aku serahlan saja segalanya kepada-Nya. Kerna hanya Dia yang aku percaya secara total. Manusia pula, mereka mudah dekat bila perlu, berpaling bila tak lagi diperlukan. Nak buat macam mana. Selagi Allah tak tarik nyawa ini, hidup perlu diteruskan. 

A letter to my Future self

To myself at the age of 35.

Are you alive? If you’re, alhamdulillah.

How's mak, ayah, and the others? I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

How’s your health? Have you been taking care your health or still doesn’t care about it?

Did you pursue your PhD as you planned? Have you completed your study?

Are you married? With whom? What are you doing now?

Today, I am 26. At this age, I am still pursuing my study. When I am writing this, I am actually thinking about my future. It is full of questions, though. Coz I never had a dream, never thought of wanting to be this or that. People around me keep on asking about marriage, but I had never really thought about it. I had never actually be in a relationship, so how am I supposed to think about marriage. All I have on my mind right now is my research. I settled my Chapter 1 & Chapter 2 yesterday morning, reviewed by my supervisor. 

Future planning? I only think about pursuing PhD after this. But who knows my mind might change later. Future is unpredictable after all.

Today, I decided to forget about someone I like for the past 10 years. For being able to keep my heart for that person for a decade, I'm too loyal. Maybe my feeling has become a burden to him. It’s hard to erase him from my heart since liking him has become a habit. I am not sure whether you still remember who’s that person. I had gone through a lot of experiences. Good ones, as well as hard ones. Today, I asked myself, “what is the thing that keep me going on during the hardest moment in my life?”. I think about it deeply. I might be able to be understanding of other people, or at least try to be understanding, but I have difficulties to understand myself. I hope by now; you’ve found the answer. I hope you remain as yourself at the age of 26. To appreciate every day and every encounter in your life.

Lately, I have been worried about myself. For some reasons, I think I started to become more comfortable of being alone, again. The working environment now is totally opposite of the previous working environment that require me to sit at the counter and interact with people, as well as teaching and giving talks. Nowadays, I have been working and studying in an individual office. I talk less nowadays. I just prefer to be quiet. Back in my previous job, I struggle hard to interact with people, and now, no such struggling, huh. What about your working environment, now? 

This is the first time I decide for myself. Before this, everything I did and decided were always about other people, especially my parents. I was feeling guilty actually. To be a sick child and be troublesome and make them worry back then. The scene of my mom been scolded by doctor when my health was deterioting is still clear in my mind. Also, last year during an event, I lay in bed for 2 days. And early this year, my anaemia bacame severe and I lay in bed for a week. Maybe, that's the reason she let me resigned from my previous job and do what I have always wanted. Mom has sacrifies too much for me. 

I hope, now you think about yourself more and not letting pressure affect your health. Remember those people who always want to see a healthy and cheerful you, like nowadays. I hope you are now able to forgive and forget all the bad things happened in the past. You're often an optimist. They said, an optimist see a half full glass instead of  half empty. And they see the ring of the doughnut instead of the hole. In every obstacle, you always try to see the opportunity. You should keep being that way. Although there are times when your beliefs shaken, you will recover, as long as you clear your mind, and reflect upon the problem. You'll be fine. Today, and in the future. Emm...however, it's okay to cry sometimes. It's fine to rely on others. 

I wonder what are you doing now? I wonder whether you’re still alive and healthy. I wonder whether you are now has become a reliable person. I wonder whether you’ve changed. If yes, whether you become a better person or bad person. I wonder whether you still have the desire to help people. I, all this time have been afraid of changing negatively. If nowadays you have changed negatively, I hope you can change yourself to be a better person.

Do you remember? Whenever you went to interview sessions, and you’re asked about what kind of person do you want to be, you always answered “I want to be someone beneficial to others.” I believe that those words were sincere. Khairunnas, anfa’uhum linnas. You have no specific dream or ambition. Just that all these time you have always wanted to be someone beneficial/useful to the society. Talking about society, I wonder how’s the society now? Is it still sick? In 2016, there are so many inconvenient things happened in the society. It’s worrisome. Have you found the remedy for the social illness for our society? The remedy is there, but to convince everyone to cure our society is challenging, right? Thinking about this, I wonder, will there be the year of 2025? If there is, you must have read this letter.

That’s it for now. Do not forget to thank others for their kindness and to apologize for every mistakes/wrongdoings. Keep the strong beliefs and be happy. Live your life to the fullest!

Regards,

Adila, 2016

I'm sorry, Prof.

Days passed, and not one went by without feeling that void. Other than my family, you are the only person who believed in me. You never doubted me, not even when you entrusted me with the responsibilities I held in the institution.

When I quit my job to focus on consulting, you invited me to join the institution. However, I declined, choosing instead to pursue my career in Selangor. After a few months, you reached out again, saying you needed me on your team. After much thought, and considering my family situation, I decided to return and join u here.  And now, you’re gone, leaving behind a long list of tasks to me. You always reminds me that all that matters is that you know me and how I work, and not to be bothered by other people's words.

I still regret distancing myself during your final weeks at the workplace. I never got the chance to apologize. All I can do now is help realize the things u want me to do for the institution, as best as I can within my role. I often feel inadequate, but I promise to work hard. It's harder now, without your guidance. Every day feels like a struggle, and work has never felt lonelier.

I ask myself daily—will I be okay? Am I doing things right? So much has changed since you left, and I can't pretend otherwise.

'Bringing in the technology is easy. But to manage the transformation requires strategies and ability to see things from the wider perspectives. That's where you came in. I am pretty sure that you will know what we need. Establish our IT ecosystem, and start the smart digital campus project.' Now, as the project moves forward, you’re no longer here to witness it. I can't help but blame myself for my shortcomings. Every time I complete the tasks you asked me to do, I feel sad and regret not having done them faster when you were here.

I’m sorry, Prof.

You showed me paths when I was lost,  

You let me speak, no matter the cost.  

Without judgment, without command,  

You patiently lent a guiding hand.  

I can't deny, it's clear to see,  

Your wisdom shaped the best of me.  

The words I held, kept deep and true,

I never spoke before I lost you.

I’m grateful still for all you gave,

Your lessons guide me, strong and brave.

Though you're gone, I feel it still,  

Your voice, your heart, your guiding will.  

So thank you, though you’ve moved on,  

In my heart, you’re never gone. 

***

Why am I still here?

Life - Repeat

Aku berdiri teguh di pentas dunia 

Jalani sketsa hidup didasari rasa percaya 

Terkadang menahan pedih gurisan tindak manusia

Terus mencari kemanisan dalam pahitnya rasa 

~intishar, 300523 

****** 

Life is all about choices and consequences. 

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." -Sir Isaac Newton

The older we get, the harder it is to keep up with life's changes. As time passes, life becomes more challenging. We stumble upon things (some might come as a surprise), and we have to decide how to act on them. 

When starting something new or when changes happen in our professional life, it is normal to struggle in the beginning. Embrace the change, and take the challenge. One day, we will realize that all of what we achieve through the experience are mainly due to our commitment to our self-development. Because without commitment, we would never be able to normalize the new life, and you will never be able to feel proud of your achievement. 

One of the quotes that kept me moving forward when my life was too hectic with work+study+social life that I wish time could be paused: 

"If you give up, it's over. But if you don't give up, the day will come when you'll be glad that you didn't give up."

The simple way of thinking about it is that there is no such thing as useless, invaluable, or unbeneficial knowledge. Knowledge is power. I'm sure no one can deny it. And only those with a good attitude towards knowledge can enjoy the wisdom behind it.

If we can’t see far to the future, we could focus on the present. Live our present life to the fullest. Learn something new. Improve ourselves. Make every day our best day! Be someone we can be proud of. I am proud of myself today because I completed another task. I am proud of myself today because I solved a problem. I am proud of myself today because I helped people. I am tired, but it is worth it!

Enjoy every little accomplishment we achieve every day.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym. 

When challenges knock on our door, we only have 2 choices. Open the door and FACE IT - we get to be stronger, explore new things, develop ourselves. Or AVOID IT, and stay where we are, and we never know what's behind that door. When we see the bright side of everything that happens in our lives, challenges will never be a bad thing. 

Appreciate every second in our lives, and never waste it because every moment happens only once. No rewind button, no pause button.

You are the author of your life story!

“To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” -Yogi Berra, 1973-

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (94:5-6)

May every day be our best day! 

 

My 2022 - Stepping into 2023

2022 was a year when changes happened drastically my life. I encountered and experienced many new things. Working in an unfamiliar place with new people and started getting into an unfamiliar role. I left a job and got into a new role. 

Academia 

I became an academician. I had my first group of students. I wrote a paper and started writing a book on HR Analytics. I delivered HR training. I developed 2 web applications. I developed an Excel Analytics training module from basic to advanced level. I created an HR dashboard integrating 14 key HR metrics. 

My research grant application was successful. And I had a hard time working on it as I came to hate research. But it is my responsibility. That changed feeling about research made me feel devastated and down. Some people know what research used to mean to me. And since 2022, research has become a burden and not fun anymore. None of my team members know that I am pushing myself through and through for this project. (unless they found this)

I had a tough time in my new workplace. Not knowing my role and identity and miscommunications occurred that put me in a corner. And I started to feel like my 2019-2021 repeats again. But my father's words always get me back on my feet. 'the most important thing is only all that matters.' 

The moments that bind us to our decisions are not in how often we get lost in contemplation; neither are they in the kind of heart that we can commit to that something rather are in that first step that we initiate to get things done.

- Tendai Kasusu 

*** no-context writing

In my opinion, in any organisation, there should not be any role that's considered more significant than the others. So, no one in the organisation has the right to think that they are the most important people in the organisation. Let's take an analogy. If we believe that a car engine is more important than the other parts of a car, what's the point of the engine without the other parts? It cannot serve its purpose at all. What's the point of having an engine without a mechanism to start it? What's the point of starting the engine when it cannot do anything by itself? 

That is what an organisation is. Everyone has a significant role and workload. 

Non-working time 

In 2022, I hung out more with my family and friends. 

We went to Sibu, Mukah, and Miri to visit mom's siblings. I drove from Kuching-Miri-Kuching.  

I went camping and glamping with Shikin. I had lunch with Aimi. I played badminton with Shikin for a short while and took a break from it when my health worsened. I got better now, anyway.

I was infected with covid-19 once. 

My anemia worsened, and I started wearing that colored lip balm because people always said I looked pale. I diligently started my treatment again, and my condition improved significantly. I guess I still keep doing my best in everything.

Q3: An impactful professional journey

I had a great experience working in Q3. I experienced a downfall in my previous workplace. I had anxiety and was stressed out.

And Q3 healed me. Q3 helped me rebuild my self-esteem.  It was very comfortable working in a place where people don't know who I am and a place that values difference—no burdensome expectations. I am different; I have to admit it. I am uncomfortable with people, but my job was all about dealing with people who are our beneficiaries and stakeholders. It took me a lot of courage and effort to socialize. But my bosses were very understanding. Every time I needed to ask something from the stakeholders or delegate tasks to my colleagues, I thought very carefully about it. Will they be okay to do this? Am I being fair in delegating tasks? Am I making things hard for them? Is it ok to ask for this and that from them? Hence, my bosses sometimes had to intervene. Either my bosses were patient with me, or they had no choice. I'm not sure. But I really like my bosses. I will always be grateful to them.

When it comes to talent development, I believe that we should not limit one's capacity. Instead of seeing the limit to one's capacity, we should focus on the broad opportunity for growth since, by default, the opportunity for growth is always wider than one's current ability. In that sense, Q3's environment was somehow aligned with my belief. My experience in Q3 made me realize that the amount of knowledge we can learn is not necessarily relative to the amount of time we spent with the organisation / person. 

I don't regret my decision to leave, as it was for unavoidable and honorable reasons. I take it as a journey Allah set for me. I am grateful for that. I still miss my ex-bosses and colleagues there. And I miss that window where I screamed people's names for making things hard for me. 😂

Through this one fateful meeting

I learn to cherish each and every encounter

Even if the seasons change

Even if the times start to change

Even if the doors of the future have opened

We will move forward without changing

Thank you, Q3. It has been a great adventure. I've learned a lot.

Welcome, 33.

When job offers come to us without sending a job application, we are exposed to the risk of wanting to leave whenever things become hard at work. And it is obviously not good. I wish ayah is here to listen to my concerns and struggles. I miss ayah.

My current boss has been telling me to express myself more when I have been doing so. Usually, I won't talk at all. But nowadays, I express my frustration and disappointment to others. 

My 2021

Part 1: A void

I still enjoy studying. However, the more I studied, the more I became overwhelmed with the emptiness that I started to feel ever since ayah left. Ayah was a big supporter of my study journey. Once, he visited me in UNIMAS and told me to keep studying until I become tired of it because I am the only one of my siblings who enjoy studying. He used to sit beside me when I was studying. Sometimes, he bought some Coke & snacks for me. 

Whenever I'm experiencing something interesting in my life, I miss ayah and the 'ayah, tauk x yah...' sessions I had with him. I don't talk much, so he used to look forward to my 'tauk x yahh..'. I talked about my workshops, I talked about the people I met during my field trip, the boar, the river, the foods I ate, the longhouses, the road, ferry, dolphin, my friends, and many other things. 

Part 2: Dream?

The thing about doing research study is you get to learn from experts in the field, get some constructive criticism, open your mind to new ideas and limitless knowledge, and develop your research and analytical mind. And yes, I want to grow more as a researcher, but I don't want to teach. That's why I hardly find a suitable place for me. Because willingness and desire to be an excellent social & management researcher, have always been associated with the teaching profession. But I'm pretty sure that I am not good at teaching. I wonder, will I ever find my place someday?

Part 3: Change

I always believe that I'm the kind of person who just follows the flow in life. When I'm no longer appreciated, I leave. When I see a better opportunity to explore the world more, I take up the challenge. When I am not confident about being the kind of person people expect me to be, I run away from them before I become a disappointment. But maybe, all this while, I've been the one who creates the path for my life to flow. 

I relocated to Selangor for my new job in November 2021. I wouldn't say that this is my 1st time working far from my family because I think I go home more frequently now as compared to when I was working in UNIMAS.

Being in an unfamiliar place, it took a while for me to adapt, especially to the environment and culture. My life here has been only about my apartment and workplace. And these two are in the same building. I still can't get used to the people around me. 😅

2021 is a year of change for me. I made a big decision for myself. I left a stable job. I published a research article for fun (not because of requirement), I unintentionally became a data scientist, I relocated and started to live alone. 

Last but not least, there shouldn't be a difference between what we work for and what we live for. Both of them should lead to the same conclusion.

2021 was a year when I finally learned to align my beliefs with my motivation and dream.

***

Being Wise

Wisdom doesn't always need to be relative to academic qualification or status in society.

My parents show us that being wise doesn't need academic certification, position in society or money. Instead, all it needs is the ability to see the good in others and know what matters the most. 

Ayah showed us that sometimes we don't have to fight to prove that we're right. There are meaningless fights in life. It is just a matter of perspectives. There might be fights that we lose or ignore, but by doing that, we are winning. Arguments should be made to understand, not to show that we're right or to force our ideas onto others. I don't accept other people ideas blindly without asking and having arguments. That's how we understand each other, learn new things, and grow. So, do argue with an intention to understand, not to contradict. 

***

'The world changes drastically overnight. Those who can stand up to it are professionals with the right skills.'

I read this somewhere. Not sure where.

***

Newton's Third Law of Motion

Life is all about choices and consequences.

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." - Sir Isaac Newton

Some people try hard and give their best with no other intention than to be helpful while developing themselves. They simply refuse to stop reaching their full potential and expanding and growing.

Often time they were misunderstood as trying to show off when they genuinely felt responsible about giving back to those who gave them the opportunity, taught them things and made them the person they are now.

While people misunderstand their efforts and principles, they struggle with being stuck between 2 choices: to keep their values & principles or to work in a so-so manner, stop giving extra effort but liked by others. The latter would lead them to a life full of guilt and self disappointments.

And our action can determine their reaction.

Think positively; some people live their lives to the fullest to avoid regret later. Let them be, and don't change them. Don't make things hard for the people who try to ease things for you.

And for you, think about when you are the happiest working despite the challenges. Return to that path, and stay on it. It's hard and lonely, but it comes with barakah and self-fulfilment. But when the environment causes you to contemplate right and wrong, or to the extent where you feel that it would be better that you are not around, leave. Don't stay when your self-esteem might be destroyed in the process of being considerate. 

And for the employer, don't close your eyes just because you don't want to go against the majority. You are not a politician. Don't play safe. Trust me, when your employee leaves, they hold the most grudge on you instead of the colleagues who mistreated them. 

The 15 years that end in one second

Why am I not into relationships?

#In the context of this revelation, a relationship means, love connection between 2 strangers—meaning, not family.#

I have never been in a solid relationship to decide whether being in a relationship is a good thing or not. But I did have been in a very confusing relationship to know that a real relationship is not for me. Yet. At least not yet.

One of the things that I learned from my confusing relationship is that a relationship comes with the burden of the feeling of the need to rely on your partner. I am not saying that it is a bad thing. It is nice to have someone to rely on, or better yet, to rely on each other. 

But unfortunately, I am not used to it. Most of the time, I want to handle things myself, and I don't even want to talk about everything to anyone. Yet, your partner usually expects that you rely on them and talk about everything with them. And meeting that expectation is hard for me. It can be overwhelming. Being not given space when all you need is that is tiring. Being forced to talk about something that you are not ready to talk about is suffocating. For me, being in each other's corner is good enough. Give space, and when they speak to you, listen. 

That is why I have never been in a relationship... and haven't thought of being in one yet, because I know very well that love, protecting each other and relying on each other is a package.

***

Just one second...

I have finally confessed my feeling to the person I've liked during my entire teenage and youth. Of course, I didn't say the 15 years part. And I clearly told him not to worry, as I am not into a relationship. After I told him about my feeling, I felt relieved. And I feel a little bit stupid. I've spent 15 years avoiding relationships because that space in my heart was occupied...and it took only one second to end the episodes of questioning myself 'what if...?' The friendship that I have with him is full of only good memories that I am afraid of the changes that might happen when there are emotional attachments. That's the main reason for not telling him about my feeling. Because it will definitely make things awkward, and I'll hate that. However, I believe that now we're not anymore can be disturbed easily with something like this. I will not feel awkward around him, and I hope he'll not too.

Cheers to the end of my 15 years of unspoken love! 

Rambling

Love

"They do call it falling in love, and not stepping into love. The thing that they didn’t warn you was how difficult it was to get out once you have fallen in love."

This year is the crystal jubilee of my crush towards someone. I am not sure whether it is a happy thing or a sad thing. 

The optimist me: I have a loyal heart. 

The confused me: As the crush goes on, I cannot deny that it makes my heart heavier.

I am usually sweet with my girlfriends. Maybe. I care very much about them that I typically run towards them immediately when they need me. I check on them when they are sick, and I usually prioritise them over myself. 

On the other hand, I keep my distance from guys, except those I am sure would never have any special feelings towards me. That's my common sense...keeping a safe distance with guys. Despite that, I have been in love with only one stranger (man) in my entire life. So, I have been telling myself to confess my feeling this year and end this 15 years long unspoken love. Maybe then I will be able to open my heart for others. 

Career

I am still looking for a job while doing some consultancy job. 

I resigned from my previous job last May, finally. When i decided to resign in January 2020, that was already final, in both my mind and heart. When I was asked to postpone my departure for at least 1 year, I was frustrated. It was hard...holding out for more than a year. It was suffocating, and I was all alone in that fight.

Bad days gone. So, I am currently working on my own as an HR generalist and innovation consultant. I am now designing an employee retention program, and consulting on learning and development solutions. Coming up will be monitoring and evaluation solutions. One thing about being a consultant, you cannot assume and make a general proposal. You need to study the business, and propose a data-driven solution. I played with the data for around 1-2 months for each project before designing solutions aligned with the company business. And for these jobs, I don't have a team. 

Life

I miss my dad.

I miss hanging out with my siblings.

I hope to go on a vacation with my family.

I hope to enjoy an escape with my friends.

I want to start my study officially immediately. I still hope to have my previous supervisor as my supervisor.

I miss going out to the field, doing research, conducting training.

I am getting healthier...no more back pain, muscle distress, migraine. Should I grow some muscles? 

Quarantine experience: To remember

We went into a total lockdown @ Enhanced Movement Control Order (EMCO) from 28th July - 10th August 2021 when there is a sudden increase of positive cases in my village. We got food supply from the government and Tabung Baitulmal Sarawak. My brother's business was halted. Mine was operating as usual since I am doing everything online. Nothing change, except that I ran out of my facial cleanser, so I used my mom's. 😅 Aaaaa...I made ice cream and pudding, as we ran out of those too. And I craved vanilla coke, but I took this opportunity to cut off the consumption a bit.

Now that it ended, I feel the urge to unlock my heart, too...but I don't feel right to throw this bomb on him. I can live with it for 15 years, so additional year/s won't hurt, i guess.

Eid 1441H

Assalamualaikum.

This year's Eid will be different than before, due to this Covid-19 outbreak. Sarawak is still in the phase of Conditional Movement Control Order (CMCO) implemented by the government to break the chain of the virus. Unlike most family, personally, for me, this Eid will be more joyful than ever. I never really enjoy Eid, because my mom was usually not in a good mood during Eid. 

Since my mom married my father, she hardly went back to her hometown to visit our grandparent in Mukah. She told me, there was once, she ran amok just to go to her parents because she missed them too much, but my father could not afford to send her back. Ended up, my father's dad (my grandpa) lent her some money for that. I always pitied my mother since I was young, because of that. Every Eid, mom's mood had never been good. So as me. I just don't like to see my mom being sad. I know there are many things she thought about during Eid. About the regret she had for not celebrating Eid with her parents since her marriage, about how much she miss her parents, and about how unfair it is for her to enjoy Eid when she hardly made her parents happy during Eid since her marriage. Our family was kinda poor before. When my parents can finally afford going to my mother's hometown for a few times in a year, our grandparents was no longer alive. 

Back to this year's Eid, mom is excited. She said because this Eid is different...we are not allowed to cross border between districts, no ziarah raya. Maybe, she feel less guilty, somehow. Seeing how excited my mom is, I feel happy. All these years, I always feel bad about enjoying Eid with my friends. Actually, I never even went ziarah raya to my friends' houses before, until one day, my mom told me to go and enjoy my Eid. That was just few years back, when she saw my younger sister and brothers went out to ziarah raya with their friends, while I stayed at home. Unlike previous Eid, this year, my mom started planning the cake and biscuit she want to bake. She even spent few days on Facebook looking for cake recipes, and wrote them down. We bought everything she need, and even a new steamer. Aside from that, she also plant some vegetables around our house. 

So, despite all the bad things that happen to me, I can feel happy seeing my mom. 

Ya Allah, I pray for my mom's happiness and health. Amiinn Ya Rabb.

I guess, now, I'm back here, talking about everything.

2019

Missing him

Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.

I'm still not fully used of ayah not being around. Sometimes, i ask, why did Allah took him away when I'm not ready. But at times, i said to myself... Maybe, Allah took ayah back because we're ready. I know some might think that I'm making a fuss over a small matter, or that i'm childish. But ayah was a great supporter to me. He supported me endlessly, and he listened well, with no intention to contradict.

Career vs Study

Everyone has their secret sorrow which the world didn't know, and often times we call them cold when they are only sad.

2019 is one hectic and challenging year. Since February 2019, I joined a new organization, with a totally new environment. Adapting to this new place is really hard and challenging as compared to getting my job done. I changed..thus, i am disappointed at myself. I need someone to talk to... But I always ended up having no chance to talk about myself, and what I've been through. My study has not been progressive since my supervisor reviewed the draft and suggested a few improvements in the write-up. That is enough to make me feel down every day.

There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.

There is not even a day i feel good, nowadays. I wake up every day, with only disappointment on myself. Work is my only distraction. I am glad that I'm good at pretending that I'm fine when I'm actually not. I can still do my work even when I'm crying inside. It's frustrating, knowing how slow you are getting about your own thesis and how incompetent you are in your job. People can only see the end product, but they can never understand the process of producing something, especially when you're not that good and requires extra effort to get there. Some might think that you're good by only looking at the product or result, but u know the best about it. I stop smiling for myself. I stop saying well done to myself. And i stop feeling proud of my job.

Disappointment

I feel that I'm now living in the world where forgiveness seems irrational and the hardest thing to do. And yes, that's scary. Apart from that, somehow, nowadays, whenever I try to give advice, the only thing I get in return is contradiction and excuses. So, I choose to just listen and shut up. People who always come up with excuses and blame others for all the bad things that happen in their lives is immature (read: stupid). Some people hate me for thinking that way, though.

Why is despair not an approved state?

Despair is unthinkable for a person who is aware of the fact that Allah is the creator of every being and every event, and who measures the power of Allah by its true measure. Because Allah is the One Who removes difficulties for His servants, is most forgiving, is full of mercy and has complete power and knowledge. Every incident that people may regard as a reason for despair, including all impediments, unexpected obstacles, diseases, accidents or mistakes, in fact occurs under the complete control of Allah. Allah is All-Knowing and nothing is absent from His knowledge. Being aware that one's destiny is designated by His endless knowledge is the greatest comfort one can ever have. Knowing this fact, one can never give way to despair.

Besides this, believers, knowing that it is possible that their mistakes may be remitted in this world, do not lose hope. Indeed, people are commanded in the Qur'an not to despair of the mercy of Allah:

… Do not despair of solace from Allah. No one despairs of solace from Allah except for those who disbelieve. (Surah Yusuf: 87) 

Say: "My servants, you who have transgressed against yourselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Truly Allah forgives all wrong actions. He is the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful." (Surat az-Zumar: 53)

By Harun Yahya, Quick Grasp of Faith 2

There are 2 reasons of change.
1. To build an opportunity
2. To give up

Goodbye, 2019

2018: It's a wrap!

If I should live long,
Then perhaps the present days
May be dear to me,

Just as past time filled with grief

Comes quietly back in thought.

Another year passed.

2018 is a year full with challenges and changes.

Heartbreak.

Ayah left us last August, end of the month. 2 weeks before ayah left, we went to visit my mom's family in Sibu and Mukah. Thank you Allah for given me such a quality time to spend with my parents. Yea, we got to talk about everything....my study, my love relationship (which is none), my work, my future plan, etc. We (me and my siblings who're not staying at home due to our work) got a phone call by my mom at around 00:00 saying that my father was unconcious. I heard my mom cried hard as she talked with me, so, i kind of understood the situation. My housemate drove me back, immediately...really appreciate it. My 2nd and 3rd brother were already there when i reached home, and that gave me strength to accept the situation. Looking at them, i felt like 'we'll be fine, we should be fine...'..about the lost, and everything else. (My father was healthy and for us, it was an unexpected and a shocking event in our lives. Of course, we know very well that death has never been an unexpected situation for all of us.) Ayah and mak are our superheroes. All of our achievements (no matter how small or big), they are all due to Allah, and my parents.

I miss ayah...all the time. Semoga ayah ditempatkan dalam kalangan orang yg beriman dan beramal soleh. Amiin ya rabb.

*******

Curiosity lead to exploration that build up your knowledge. Thus, you learn to love The Creator, yourself, nature and people. And those who love, own the happiness.

Exploration

This year, similarly to the previous year, I've been sent to some other rural areas for research works. Got few projects in the urban areas as well. I went to communities that still practice barter system, the one that literally 'kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang'. I went to few dilapidated schools which are obviously unsafe. I saw a hunter slaughtering a big boar (this is a new experience for me). I got to know few sick peoples who can't get treatment from the hospital because they have no IC. Huhu~ Plus, the moment that I can't forget, when the young people gathered around me and talked about their aspirations, their concerns, and their hope for the younger generation to enjoy the same opportunity especially in education, despite living very far from the town. I got to teach in a workshop fully in English because there were international students attended the workshop. (This is new!)

I learned many things from the people, and I was able to share some knowledge to them. When asked about what I'm looking for in my work, it would be the opportunity to be useful to the society. I don't plan to change the society, I don't think i'm capable of doing that, but i wish to be part of something meaningful and useful. Having been to more than 20 communities, I learned the differences in each of their needs, apart from learning about the different cultures and beliefs.

*******

Life is full with uncertainty.

Study

After ayah left, i lost my motivation to study. I became unsure of everything. I started thinking that i should stop studying and focus on getting a job. But, ayah was hoping that i can get a PhD later on. Ayah always told me to pursue PhD after i get my masters degree. In the confusion, i decided to defer my study, to think more deeply about my future plan. Since then, my research was not progressed. I am not trying to make an excuse or blame the situation for not being able to complete my study as planned, but, for me, there are things that are more important than studying. To be frank, i'm still thinking of quitting.

This semester will end very soon, and i'll return as a student next semester. I really need to get myself back on my feet.

To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain't over 'til it's over. (Yogi Berra, 1973)

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. (94:5-6)

*******

There's only one happiness in life, to love and to be loved.

Love

Despite being unprepared to be in a relationship with someone, I have the experience of being loved dearly by someone, and loving someone deeply. I am a person with an ancient thinking when it comes to a relationship. Meaning, being in a relationship must comes with the intention for marriage. That's why I keep my feeling unknown to that person. Plus, marriage is not in my to-do list yet. Some might say that i'm too serious. I still can't find any reason to get married, and even to get to know someone with the intention to get married. 

Yes, I do have someone I like. To be attracted to someone of the opposite gender is fitrah...so, I don't think much about it. Except the fact that I have only like him for all these years. Maybe there has yet anyone else that can make me feel the same way as I am towards him. Hope? Expectation? I don't count on them. I believe that even if i'm not going to end up with him, once it's time, i'll meet someone meant for me, and fall in love again.

In love, nothing exists between heart and heart.
Speech is born out of longing,
True description from the real feeling.
The one who feels, knows;
the one who explains, lies.
How can you describe the true form of Something
In whose presence you are blotted out?
And in whose being you still exist?
And who lives as a sign for your journey? (Rabia al-Basri)


So, that's it for 2018. I wonder how can I wrote these while my thesis is still pending. I'll consider this as me taking a break, or maybe a distraction. Sometimes, distraction is necessary. 😉

Research Design

Research design.

Mari mengenali jenis-jenis penyelidikan.

One of my besties said,
"Aku maok nyambong study, tapi aku xpande research."

Everything begin with 0 (zero), progressing based on the exploration of the knowledge.

To begin with, lets start with how to decide on the research that we want to do.
1. Based on your interest.
2. Based on your experience in the industry.
3. Based on your knowledge or expertise.
4. Based on the current issues.

In my personal opinion, it is important to do research on the topic we're interested in or which we have experience on. Because, we need to have fun in doing research. (This is just a personal opinion). Having knowledge about the topic will be very helpful and make ur research journey easier.

In deciding our research topic, it is very crucial for us to explore about the field in general 1st before we focus on one specific area that we want to study in the field. Yea, we must know the scope of our research. Make sure it's not too big, and please consider your timeframe as well. Don't do longitudinal research when u're doing masters with 2 years of study. After that, do some literature review, start with something very close to the scope of our research. For example, from the cases in malaysia, before looking in cases in east asia, then asia, and the world.

***Knowing the expert in the field can be very helpful in doing literature review.

Be specific of your statement of problem (research gap)- this is where people value the significant of your research.
Be specific of your limitation - explain your scope of research.
Define your terms precisely and make sure it reflect your research objective - help people to understand your research.

Then, decide your methodology. This should be based on your literature review as well.

So, let me introduce you the type of research in general.

In general, there are 3 types of research known as Fundamental Research, Applied Research, Action Research and .

Fundamental research (basic research) is QUALITATIVE in nature. It is explanatory and usually conducted to come up with new theories or method or model. In other words, it is inductive research. From these new findings, the quantitative research can be done to explore more about the theory or model, or to proof it.

Applied research and Action research are  QUANTITATIVE in nature. However, applied research is exploratory, and action research is descriptive.

Action research are evaluative, investigative, and analytical in nature, designed to diagnose problem or weaknesses. It is usually conducted to solve a particular problem and produce guidelines for best pratice. The process of conducting an action research includes gathering info (define & describe problem, as well as the participants), interprete & explain. Eg: analyse current intervention (Look at the areas of success, as well as the issues and problem with that particular intervention), and formulate solution to the problems.

Applied research on the other hand usually conducted to solve a problem, and focus more on the knowledge that can be useful in making decisions. It is more solution specific. It is deductive, in which it explores the suggested hypothesis.

Don't be afraid of starting something new. All we need in the journey is a never ending exploration. Makin banyak kita explore, makin bertambahlah knowledge kita, lalu semakin meningkatlah keyakinan diri kita. 

ISTIDRAJ: Kurniaan tanpa Nikmat

Syarah 75 (Al-Hikam): KURNIAAN YANG MENJADI ISTIDRAJ


Takutlah kamu terhadap kurniaan Allah S.W.T yang selalu kamu perolehi sedangkan kamu melanggar perintahNya, jangan sampai kurniaan itu semata-mata istidraj. (Syeikh Ibn 'Atha'illah as- Sakandari)


Firman Allah S.W.T dalam surah al-A'raf, ayat 182: 

Kami akan binasakan mereka perlahan-lahan dengan jalan yang mereka tidak sedar.


Istidraj: Kurniaan tanpa nikmat

Kurniaan yg membuatkan kita bertambah lalai dan derhaka kepada Allah. Lupa bahawa segala yang kita nikmati di dunia ni datangnya daripada Allah.


Bahayanya fikiran sebegini: 'Aku tak solat, tak berdoa pun rezeki tetap bertambah-tambah.' (contoh)

Apabila kelalaian dan kederhakaan mereka telah melampaui batas maka Allah s.w.t mendatangkan bala yang besar kepada mereka. Mereka adalah umpama orang yang diangkat ke tempat yang tinggi sambil mereka menganggap pengangkatan itu sebagai satu kemuliaan namun, setelah mereka berada di tempat yang tinggi itu mereka dicampakkan ke bawah. Kejatuhan yang demikian memberi kesakitan yang lebih kuat.


Firman Allah s.w.t dalam Surah al-An'aam ayat 44:

Kemudian apabila mereka melupakan apa yang telah diperingatkan mereka dengannya, Kami bukakan kepada mereka pintu-pintu segala kemewahan dan kesenangan, sehingga apabila mereka bergembira dan bersukaria dengan segala nikmat yang diberikan kepada mereka, Kami timpakan mereka secara mengejut (dengan bala bencana yang membinasakan), maka mereka pun berputus asa (dari mendapat sebarang pertolongan).



In a nutshell, 


1. Sentiasa berhati-hati agar kesenangan dan kemewahan tidak melalaikan kita lalu menjatuhkan kita ke dalam suasana istidraj.

2. Kurniaan Allah itu (rezeki) satu peringatan. Yang menjadikan hilangnya nikmat dalam kurniaan itu adalah kelalaian kita untuk bersyukur, lalu leka tenggelam dalam kesenangan yang disangkakan nikmat.

3. Sentiasa beringat bahawa Allah sentiasa bersama kita walau di mana kita berada. Justeru, setiap kali kita dikurniakan kesenangan itu, perkara pertama yang kita rasa adalah kesyukuran kepada Allah.


Wallahua'lam.



Sumber:

Terjemahan Al-Hikam: Pendekatan Pengabdian Pada Khaliq oleh Syeikh Ibn Atho'ilah as-Sakandary

Merendah diri-Tawadhuk-Modesty

Assalamualaikum, minna-san~

Di kesempatan kali ini, aku ingin berkongsi tentang tawadhuk atau merendah diri, or modesty berdasarkan Syarah Al-Hikam daripada Syeikh Ibn Atho'illah as-Sakandary dan Quick Grasp of Faith by Harun Yahya. 

Syeikh Ibn Atho'ilah as-Sakandary membincangkan tentang sifat tawadhukatau merendah diri ini dalam syarah ke 250-253.

250. Siapa yang merasa diri bertawadhuk, maka bererti ia benar-benar sombong, sebab tidak mungkin dia merasa tawadhuk kecuali kalau ia merasa besar/tinggi, kerana itu bila engkau menetapkan bahawa dirimu itu besar/tinggi, maka benar-benar engkau telah sombong (mutakabbir). Maka apabila engkau menetapkan dirimu bertawadhuk (merendah diri) yakni padahal engkau itu seorang besar dan tinggi, maka itu bererti engkau benar-benar telah sombong (mutakabbir).

251. Bukan orang yang tawadhuk itu, seorang yang bila bertawadhuk lalu merasa bahawa ia telah merendahkan dirinya, tetapi orang yang tawadhuk itu adalah yang bila berbuat sesuatu merasa diri belum layak mendapatkan kedudukan itu.

252. Hakikat tawadhuk (tawadhuk yang bersungguh-sungguhnya) ialah yang timbul kerana melihat/ memperhatikan kebesaran Allah, dan terbukanya sifat-sifat Allah. Tawadhuk dalam pendapat ahli tauhid, adalah kesombongan sebab siapa yang merasa dirinya ada kemuliaan dan kedudukan, maka perasaan yang demikian itulah kesombongan.

253. Tidak ada sesuatu yang dapat mengeluarkan (melepaskan) engkau daripada sifat kesombonganmu, kecuali jika engkau melihat sifat-sifat Allah.

On the other hand, Harun Yahya discussed about modesty in the 1st question of Quick Grasp of Faith 2.

1. What does modesty signify in believers? 

Modesty is mentioned in the Qur'an as an important attribute of believers. Allah, in His verses, commands believers to be modest. It is also related in Qur'anic verses that Allah does not love those who are haughty and boastful. Believers are those who are aware of the fact that Allah is the Creator and the only Lord of everything, and that it is He Who bestows His blessings on mankind. A believer is cognisant of his weakness before Allah, and therefore never displays an unjust arrogance. No matter how beautiful, how rich, how intelligent or how esteemed he may be, he does not boast of these things, because he knows that it is Allah Who grants them to him. For that reason his behaviour towards other believers is also modest. He does not try to emphasise his own abilities or good features; he expects the recompense for all he does only from Allah. 

Contrary to the arrogance of unbelievers, believers behave with a humility, which is also reflected in their appearance. The modesty of their manner is described in the following verse: 

The servants of the All-Merciful are those who walk lightly on the earth [i.e., with dignity but without arrogance] and, who, when the ignorant speak to them, say, "Peace". (Surat al-Furqan: 63) 

As a result of this attitude, Allah gives believers the glad tidings of Paradise: 

"… Your God is One God so submit to Him. Give good news to the humble-hearted." (Surat al-Hajj: 34)

Tricky, isn't it? 

Bila kita merasakan bahawa kita telah merendahkan diri atau being humble hanya kerana kita merendahkan perasaan tinggi diri (rasa bagus) atau merasa mulia, sebenarnya, itulah hakikat kesombongan dan itulah yang dimaksudkan dengan takabbur, sebagaimana sabda Rasulullah s.a.w yang bermaksud;

"Sombong itu adalah menolak kebenaran dan menghina orang lain."

Menghina orang lain, biarpun tidak secara zahir, disebabkan merasa diri tinggi atau mulia.

Selagi kita tidak memperhatikan dan ingat selalu kepada sifat ketuhanan, kebesaran dan kekuasaan Allah, selagi itulah kita merasa besar, dan bongkak. Selagi kita tidak melihat sifat kesempurnaan Allah, maka selagi itulah kita tidak mengakui kekurangan-kekurangan atau kehambaan diri kita kepada Allah. 

Lalu tanpa kita sedar, kita sebenarnya sedang takabbur. 

Jadi, kita perlu sentiasa ingat bahawa setiap kebaikan yang ada pada kita semuanya datangnya dari Allah. Malah kita ni pun adalah ciptaanNya. Jadi, adakah wajar bagi kita untuk bersikap sombong dengan apa yang kita miliki?

Sumber:

Terjemahan Al-Hikam: Pendekatan Pengabdian Pada Khaliq oleh Syeikh Ibn Atho'ilah as-Sakandary

Quick Grasp of Faith 2 by Harun Yahya. 

Blame

With all the better mediums like facebook, twitter, instagram, which has better visibility, some wonders why am i sticking to blogging. It's simple. There are only 2 types of people who read my blog.
1. Those who are interested in knowing about what has been going on in my life.
2. Random people.

***

When it seems too easy for me to say "i'm at fault or i'm sorry.", some said or maybe mad at me, "why are YOU sorry? How come it's so easy for you to say sorry when u're the least to blame?".

Hmm...blame, huh.

When things go wrong in our lives, it's easier to find someone/something else to blame instead of finding what went wrong in our actions or decisions. But guess what, everything that happen in our lives, depends on our own decision that leads to it. We hardly admit it. Unexpected things happen, yea, unexpectedly, but as long as we know that the most important thing is only all that matters, we'll be more rational. You keep on with those 'blame games', there's no ending to it. In the end, the relationship becomes sour, and everyone start going through it just end it, or wrap everything up and start a new thing with different people.

***

How am I doing nowadays?

Still studying and trying to be something or at least finding something that i want to do or to be but stil, nothing. I am still nothing.

My study?

My next presentation has been scheduled for this Wednesday, the Research Methodology presentation, which is supposed to be done before the proposal defense. In my case, there were changes here and there in the system, and, here i am, one of the victims of bureaucracy. It's not a big deal, though. For UNIMAS Master Degree by Research, we need to do 3 presentations and of course submit 1 dissertation of our theses, apart from the progress reports we need to submit every semester. 

Chronologically, we have to attend two-days Research Methodology courses in our 1st semester, then do the RM presentation to make sure that we understand research methodology. It plays a big role in determining the quality of our researches, after all. Then, within 6 months after registration, we have to get done with our proposal defense. This will determine the significance of our research, whether it's worthy or not, in a sense of filling the gap between the previous researches. After that, get our researches done, submit our theses, and wait for viva, the big wall that we need to climb before getting our degree. 

The only thing I can comment about the journey, 'I'm doing my best, as always.'

Impatience

In Harun Yahya's Quick Grasp of Faith 3,

66. Do such concepts as impatience and despair have a place in a believer’s life? 

Allah advises the faithful to be patient in times of difficulty, as follows:

O You who believe. Be steadfast, be supreme in steadfastness, be firm on the battlefield, and heed Allah so that hopefully you will be successful. (Surah Al `Imran, 200)

Allah advises believers to be steadfast when they face hardship. The believers use their intellect, as well as all material and spiritual means, and do their utmost to overcome  difficulties. In addition, knowing that hardships are special conditions that Allah creates to test them and that there is an absolute good hidden behind these events, they trust Allah,  for this is essential to their continued steadfastness. The believers’ explicit trust that Allah creates every event with absolute wisdom, and that He will remove these difficulties by answering their prayers, prevents them from experiencing despair, hopelessness, and similar negative feelings.

In "Say: ‘My servants, you who have transgressed against yourselves, do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Truly Allah forgives all wrong actions. He is the Ever-Forgiving, the Most Merciful,’" (Surat az-Zumar, 53) Allah commands the believers not to despair of His mercy, no matter what happens.

*****

My life doesn't seems like it move forward since the day I graduated. So, I decided to further my study after 1 year doing carpentering job with my brother, and 1 and a half year working for my community. Unfortunately, as I started my postgraduate studies, the government did not give any sponsorship anymore for my field of study. It might seems like I do not have any problem with it, but actually, I have been struggling. Research expenses is not little. Plus, the fees. Having been through this, I occasionally lose my motivation. I thought about quitting so many times. In the environment where people mostly think about themselves, doesn't bother caring about others, I do think that life is unfair, sometimes. But then, in my heart, I know well that life is short to waste on grievance. I still believe that Allah has better plan for His servant.

Getting impatient and despair are not wrong. What makes it wrong is that we keep on living with those feeling. Without trying to get out from those situation.

Allah beri kita apa yang kita perlukan untuk hidup sebaiknya dan peringatan yang berterusan. Sesetengah orang dilimpahi dengan kekayaan, bersama kekurangan dalam hidup, seperti hidup berjauhan dari suami, belum diberikan zuriat, dan sebagainya. Kenapa? Allah beri sesuatu untuk kita bersyukur...dan dilambatkan sesuatu nikmat, untuk kita terus berdoa dan tidak lupa pada-Nya. Cuba saja Allah berikan segala kehendak kita, tidak mustahil kita lupa pada Allah, lalu lalai dan leka dengan dunia. Hasilnya, kebahagiaan yang kita hadapi di dunia menjadi punca kecelakaan kehidupan di akhirat.

 نعوذ بالله من ذلك.

Makanya, jangan berputus asa atas sesuatu yang belum kita kecapi, kerana Allah punya perancangan yang baik untuk kita. Aku menghadapi banyak kegagalan dalam hidup..dan di sepanjang perjalanan inilah aku mendidik rasa percaya kepada aturan Allah dan berfikiran positif. Setiap kali gagal atau bersedih, aku selalu pujuk diri sendiri, "mungkin usaha dan doa aku masih kurang, atau mungkin aku masih meragui rezeki Allah."

Dalam setiap langkah perjalanan kita di bumi Allah ini, Dia sertakan sebab untuk kita bersyukur dan berdoa memohon pertolongan-Nya.

Sekali lagi...

Satu pengharapan yang tidak pernah putus tu hanya dapat diraih jika disandarkan kepada YANG TIDAK MATI.


Wallahua'lam.

Dil, 00:17, 29012018

Takdir

Happy New Year, everyone...

Hidup ni kena percaya pada Qada' dan Qadar Allah. Tak la stress2 hidup tak tenang. Percaya kepada Qada' dan Qadar Allah tu merupakan Rukun iman yang ke-6. Tengok, nice kan ajaran Islam. Kalau kita ikut, insyaAllah, kita boleh merasa nikmat kebahagiaan.

Beriman atau percaya kepada qada dan qadar itu bermaksud percaya dengan sepenuh hati bahawa Allah telah menentukan segala sesuatu yang akan terjadi untuk mahluknya (qada dan qadar).

Setiap manusia telah diciptakan dengan ketentuan sejak azali lagi. Takdir ni ada 2 jenis, iaitu;

1.Takdir Muallaq

Takdir muallaq yaitu takdir yang masih dapat diubah dengan usaha atau ikhtiar. Contohnya, kalau nak berjaya, kena berusaha, nak kaya, kena bekerja. Dan juga jodoh pun perlu diusahakan. Allah takkan mengubah nasib sesuatu kaum itu sehingga mereka mau mengubah nasib mereka sendiri. (Ar-Ra'd: 11)

2. Takdir Mubran

Takdir mubran yaitu takdir yang tidak dapat diubah. Contohnya, MATI. Syarat mati itu bukan sakit, tapi hidup.
Dengan beriman/ percaya kepada Qada' dan Qadar, kita akan lebih bersyukur kepada Allah, menjadi lebih dekat kepada-Nya, dan turut menjadikan kita orang yang sentiasa berusaha dan tidak berputus asa. Selain tu, kita akan mendapat ketenangan, jauh dari sifat sombong, dan sentiasa bersabar dan bertawakkal lepada Allah.

**********

Misc: Epilog Q

Ya. Sebelum ni aku pernah betul-betul suka dekat sorang insan bernama Wafdan. For many years. Suami aku ni adalah cinta keduaku, dan insyaAllah yg terakhir buatku.

Wafdan. Aku suka dia sejak di bangku sekolah, tapi aku mulai sedar yang aku betul2 serius mencintainya semasa aku buat degree. Kalau ditanya kenapa aku suka dia, aku pun tak tau. Nak kata hensem, sejujurnya, suami aku ni lagi hensem. Tambah comel dengan lesung pipit di pipi. Nak kata sebab dia sweet, memang tak la. Orang kata, cinta itu datang tiba-tiba. Unexpectedly, towards unexpected someone. Dan masa tu, Wafdan bagiku. Perasaanku tak pernah goyah. Ada saja jejaka yang ingin berkenalan dengan aku, tapi aku punya setia tu, sangatlah tak bertempat. Nak kata aku 'in a relationship dengan Wafdan', tak juga. Sehinggalah Shu@Lutfi jumpa ibu dan ayahku. Masa tu, aku tak boleh nak reject senang2. Aku sedar, perasaan bukan lagi sekadar saluran kebahagiaan, tapi dokumentari kehidupan.

Masa aku terima suami aku ni pun, perasaanku pada Wafdan masih bersisa. It has been years after all. Orang kata, kalau kita keep on doing certain things tu, boleh jadi habit. Mungkin itu yang terjadi padaku. Hatiku dah terbiasa mencintainya. Sehinggalah aku baca diari suamiku hari tu. Member aku pernah cakap, to be with someone who really loves you is better than being with someone you love. Dan untuk aku, that someone adalah my Mr. Right, Shu@Lutfi.

I love you, Shu. May Allah bless our marriage, till jannah. InsyaAllah.

#misc #epilogQ

Year-End Rant: My 2017

My 2017.

2017 has been a really tiring yet rewarding year.

Career. I changed job, still not a permanent one. I met many kind of people, mostly academicians and researchers, and they are all inspiring. Advising me to pursue academic/ research, but I just can't see myself as one in the future. Completed my own research activities and started with journal articles and thesis writing. As if. 😂 Yea, I did completed it in fact, but somehow, as I wrote my thesis, I found out that there is something wrong/ lack in my research. So, I've decided to improve and recollect the data. However, I am not going to waste my previous data. I am still working on the papers I planned to produce with the data. Research is fun, without restriction, with freedom. I went to many underserved villages and learn so much. Suffer as much. 😂 Even so, it motivates me to give. Through knowledge.


Time flies. Love fades.

Love. The fact that he's still the only one i have ever loved is wonderful. Blame my stubborn heart. All the moments we spent together, and every little words he ever said sticks in my mind, thus, i didn't realize that time flies. Love is space and time measured by the heart. But for us, it was unmeasurable, coz i was the only one with space in my heart for him. I am. There has yet the second. Seeing him still change my heart rythm. Keep being like this, and it'll become a habit. In fact, it already is. Loving him. Since when did our path become so parallel that it seems like it'll never cross each other. More than a decade passed, and I am still filled with both love and hesitation.

Izinkan aku memetik kata-kata ini untuk yang kedua kalinya: (tahun ni kurang baca buku, banyak baca journal article je, so, xde quotation baru...haha)

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym.  

“Happiness is not the absence of problems; it's the ability to deal with them.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free.

2017. Tried to be as positive as i can, everyday. Always. And will keep on doing so. And this year, i'm healthier than the year before. Spent less time with family, thus often get homeSICK. 😁 Gain weight, BMI still ideal. Experienced the worst sunburn in my life, as well. That was very bad. Ruined my skin, but I care less about it than about getting a real job. But somehow, 2017 was satisfying in overall. I am going to work harder to find a real stable job. Wish me all the best, everyone!

*****

Hari ini
Kau berfikir kenapa kau kerja separuh mati
Berjaga sehingga dinihari
Tapi tidak dihargai
Yang dapat hanya caci maki

Completed study, waaa i'm happy
Now i'm an adult, so, i'm free
Those feeling remains in your memory
U feel like life is cruel? Yea it can be...

Kau dah berkerja tetap, mengeluh setiap hari
Padahal di luar sana ramai yang masih mencari
Awal dapat kerja dulu bukan ka kau dah janji?
Nak kerja elok2 nak bangunkan diri

This is not a grievance, not even slightly
Just a reminder on how to be happy
Life shouldn't be full of dissatisfaction, but with positivity
Yea, we know each individual differs in their personality
But optimism drives you forward, don't you agree?

Kau ingat boleh jadi optimis hari ini lepas berdoa malam tadi?
Kau ingat fikiran positif itu ada dijual beli?
Tidak, pemikiran ni kita bentuk sendiri, dengan mendidik hati
Yea, tak usah cari sana sini, dah ada dalam diri
INSYAALAH mudah jika disirami dengan percaya pada Ilahi.


*Yes, i compiled my fb posts. 😂


*****

Dunia akhir zaman

Umatnya

Terjerat dalam perangkap materialism
Hanyut melayari bahtera kekayaan yang mempesona
Terperangkap dalam sangkar hedonism
Lantas kecundang dalam penipuan dunia.


It's a wrap! So, the end of my 2017 was well spent with both friends and relatives.

Photo credit: Everyone else. 😂

*****^_^*****

2018's resolution?

To do my best in everything and live my life to the fullest.