A letter to my Future self

To myself at the age of 35.

Are you alive? If you’re, alhamdulillah.

How's mak, ayah, and the others? I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

How’s your health? Have you been taking care your health or still doesn’t care about it?

Did you pursue your PhD as you planned? Have you completed your study?

Are you married? With whom? What are you doing now?

Today, I am 26. At this age, I am still pursuing my study. When I am writing this, I am actually thinking about my future. It is full of questions, though. Coz I never had a dream, never thought of wanting to be this or that. People around me keep on asking about marriage, but I had never really thought about it. I had never actually be in a relationship, so how am I supposed to think about marriage. All I have on my mind right now is my research. I settled my Chapter 1 & Chapter 2 yesterday morning, reviewed by my supervisor. 

Future planning? I only think about pursuing PhD after this. But who knows my mind might change later. Future is unpredictable after all.

Today, I decided to forget about someone I like for the past 10 years. For being able to keep my heart for that person for a decade, I'm too loyal. Maybe my feeling has become a burden to him. It’s hard to erase him from my heart since liking him has become a habit. I am not sure whether you still remember who’s that person. I had gone through a lot of experiences. Good ones, as well as hard ones. Today, I asked myself, “what is the thing that keep me going on during the hardest moment in my life?”. I think about it deeply. I might be able to be understanding of other people, or at least try to be understanding, but I have difficulties to understand myself. I hope by now; you’ve found the answer. I hope you remain as yourself at the age of 26. To appreciate every day and every encounter in your life.

Lately, I have been worried about myself. For some reasons, I think I started to become more comfortable of being alone, again. The working environment now is totally opposite of the previous working environment that require me to sit at the counter and interact with people, as well as teaching and giving talks. Nowadays, I have been working and studying in an individual office. I talk less nowadays. I just prefer to be quiet. Back in my previous job, I struggle hard to interact with people, and now, no such struggling, huh. What about your working environment, now? 

This is the first time I decide for myself. Before this, everything I did and decided were always about other people, especially my parents. I was feeling guilty actually. To be a sick child and be troublesome and make them worry back then. The scene of my mom been scolded by doctor when my health was deterioting is still clear in my mind. Also, last year during an event, I lay in bed for 2 days. And early this year, my anaemia bacame severe and I lay in bed for a week. Maybe, that's the reason she let me resigned from my previous job and do what I have always wanted. Mom has sacrifies too much for me. 

I hope, now you think about yourself more and not letting pressure affect your health. Remember those people who always want to see a healthy and cheerful you, like nowadays. I hope you are now able to forgive and forget all the bad things happened in the past. You're often an optimist. They said, an optimist see a half full glass instead of  half empty. And they see the ring of the doughnut instead of the hole. In every obstacle, you always try to see the opportunity. You should keep being that way. Although there are times when your beliefs shaken, you will recover, as long as you clear your mind, and reflect upon the problem. You'll be fine. Today, and in the future. Emm...however, it's okay to cry sometimes. It's fine to rely on others. 

I wonder what are you doing now? I wonder whether you’re still alive and healthy. I wonder whether you are now has become a reliable person. I wonder whether you’ve changed. If yes, whether you become a better person or bad person. I wonder whether you still have the desire to help people. I, all this time have been afraid of changing negatively. If nowadays you have changed negatively, I hope you can change yourself to be a better person.

Do you remember? Whenever you went to interview sessions, and you’re asked about what kind of person do you want to be, you always answered “I want to be someone beneficial to others.” I believe that those words were sincere. Khairunnas, anfa’uhum linnas. You have no specific dream or ambition. Just that all these time you have always wanted to be someone beneficial/useful to the society. Talking about society, I wonder how’s the society now? Is it still sick? In 2016, there are so many inconvenient things happened in the society. It’s worrisome. Have you found the remedy for the social illness for our society? The remedy is there, but to convince everyone to cure our society is challenging, right? Thinking about this, I wonder, will there be the year of 2025? If there is, you must have read this letter.

That’s it for now. Do not forget to thank others for their kindness and to apologize for every mistakes/wrongdoings. Keep the strong beliefs and be happy. Live your life to the fullest!

Regards,

Adila, 2016

I'm sorry, Prof.

Days passed, and not one went by without feeling that void. Other than my family, you are the only person who believed in me. You never doubted me, not even when you entrusted me with the responsibilities I held in the institution.

When I quit my job to focus on consulting, you invited me to join the institution. However, I declined, choosing instead to pursue my career in Selangor. After a few months, you reached out again, saying you needed me on your team. After much thought, and considering my family situation, I decided to return and join u here.  And now, you’re gone, leaving behind a long list of tasks to me. You always reminds me that all that matters is that you know me and how I work, and not to be bothered by other people's words.

I still regret distancing myself during your final weeks at the workplace. I never got the chance to apologize. All I can do now is help realize the things u want me to do for the institution, as best as I can within my role. I often feel inadequate, but I promise to work hard. It's harder now, without your guidance. Every day feels like a struggle, and work has never felt lonelier.

I ask myself daily—will I be okay? Am I doing things right? So much has changed since you left, and I can't pretend otherwise.

'Bringing in the technology is easy. But to manage the transformation requires strategies and ability to see things from the wider perspectives. That's where you came in. I am pretty sure that you will know what we need. Establish our IT ecosystem, and start the smart digital campus project.' Now, as the project moves forward, you’re no longer here to witness it. I can't help but blame myself for my shortcomings. Every time I complete the tasks you asked me to do, I feel sad and regret not having done them faster when you were here.

I’m sorry, Prof.

You showed me paths when I was lost,  

You let me speak, no matter the cost.  

Without judgment, without command,  

You patiently lent a guiding hand.  

I can't deny, it's clear to see,  

Your wisdom shaped the best of me.  

The words I held, kept deep and true,

I never spoke before I lost you.

I’m grateful still for all you gave,

Your lessons guide me, strong and brave.

Though you're gone, I feel it still,  

Your voice, your heart, your guiding will.  

So thank you, though you’ve moved on,  

In my heart, you’re never gone. 

***

Why am I still here?

Life - Repeat

Aku berdiri teguh di pentas dunia 

Jalani sketsa hidup didasari rasa percaya 

Terkadang menahan pedih gurisan tindak manusia

Terus mencari kemanisan dalam pahitnya rasa 

~intishar, 300523 

****** 

Life is all about choices and consequences. 

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." -Albert Einstein

The older we get, the harder it is to keep up with life's changes. As time passes, life becomes more challenging. We stumble upon things (some might come as a surprise), and we have to decide how to act on them. 

When starting something new or when changes happen in our professional life, it is normal to struggle in the beginning. Embrace the change, and take the challenge. One day, we will realize that all of what we achieve through the experience are mainly due to our commitment to our self-development. Because without commitment, we would never be able to normalize the new life, and you will never be able to feel proud of your achievement. 

One of the quotes that kept me moving forward when my life was too hectic with work+study+social life that I wish time could be paused: 

"If you give up, it's over. But if you don't give up, the day will come when you'll be glad that you didn't give up."

The simple way of thinking about it is that there is no such thing as useless, invaluable, or unbeneficial knowledge. Knowledge is power. I'm sure no one can deny it. And only those with a good attitude towards knowledge can enjoy the wisdom behind it.

If we can’t see far to the future, we could focus on the present. Live our present life to the fullest. Learn something new. Improve ourselves. Make every day our best day! Be someone we can be proud of. I am proud of myself today because I completed another task. I am proud of myself today because I solved a problem. I am proud of myself today because I helped people. I am tired, but it is worth it!

Enjoy every little accomplishment we achieve every day.

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym. 

When challenges knock on our door, we only have 2 choices. Open the door and FACE IT - we get to be stronger, explore new things, develop ourselves. Or AVOID IT, and stay where we are, and we never know what's behind that door. When we see the bright side of everything that happens in our lives, challenges will never be a bad thing. 

Appreciate every second in our lives, and never waste it because every moment happens only once. No rewind button, no pause button.

You are the author of your life story!

“To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain’t over ’til it’s over.” -Yogi Berra, 1973-

“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.” (94:5-6)

May every day be our best day!