27 April 2017

Dilemma

'Huuuuhhh'...badan dihempas ke atas katil sebelah.

Katil sendiri penuh dengan instrumen kajian yang bertaburan, nota dan laptop. Kalau mak nampak...

'Tempat tidur kakak ni dikemas macam mana sekalipun, akan jadi macam tongkang pecah juga.' Terngiang-ngiang suara merdu mak di telingaku.

Itu boleh dikatakan dialog mingguan mak. Cuma sedikit berubah olahan ayatnya. Kata kunci masih sama. Indeed, mak aku konsisten orangnya. 👍👍👍

Bangun. Duduk. Tersenyum sendiri. Lalu bangkit mengemas katil. Instrumen dan nota disusun dan diletakkan di atas meja. Cadar yang terbuka dipasang semula. Kemudian, aku baring di katil sendiri yang sudah kemas, indah tersusun rapi. Siap wangi dengan wangian Febreze. Berbau bersih dan segar.

Oh ya, sekarang, mejaku pula penuh. 😅

Telefon bimbit dikeluarkan dari beg galas. Mobile data dihidupkan. 1 bunyi notifikasi whatsapp. Hanya 1 selepas 16 jam. Terkagum pula dekat diri sendiri. Bukan chat peribadi, tetapi group whatsapp.

'Aaa...nampak gayanya aku dah totally insignificant to him.' Ini menjadikan tahun lepas tahun terakhir aku menerima ucapan "Happy Birthday" dari crush aku. Senyum. Namun, aku akui menyedari hakikat tu, aku sedikit terkilan. It's the end, huh...

Sekejap je aku being bothered by those feeling. Then, aku kembali sibuk berfikir dan menelaah.

Selepas lebih sejam menelaah artikel-artikel jurnal, aku baring seketika. Fikir tentang hidup.

Aku a bit anxious lately. I can't see myself as anything in the future. Tak tau aku suka apa dan nak jadi apa. Tak ada so-called cita-cita n passion. So, i thought i should just do my best in the present...for whatever comes in my life. Kawan ku cakap, aku ni 'Jack of  all trades, a master of none.' I can do every type of task given to me. But not particularly good at something. It sounds like i am skillful, but it's not like that at all...it's just that i have to do it. Even if it's something new, we can learn and do it. Even if it's hard for us, we can force ourselves to complete the task. We all do the same, right?

My mom said, i have to be responsible in my job. Trying to do my best at anything, maybe that's why I'm not sure what is the thing I'm best at. Future worries me. I think having passion or ambition can make it easy for us to focus on one thing. But I don't have such thing.

I too, want to feel happy doing my job.