22 October 2017

Doubt

Assalamualaikum semua.

Dah lama aku tak jenguk blog ni. Walaupun ada banyak perkara yang aku nak share...lain kali la k...kali ni aku nak merapu je.

Nak dijadikan cerita, aku rasa aku sekarang ni punya self-esteem yang sangat low. Bagi yang mengikuti perkembangan aku, mungkin dah kenal aku ni macam mana, dan macam mana aku deal dengan different situations. And one of them is to talk in front of the audience. Masa aku keja di telecentre dulu, aku rilek je bagi talk depan 300++ audience. Tapi, lepas daripada proposal defense hari tu, aku dah tak yakin setiap kali nak membuat pembentangan. That was a traumatic experience for me.

Aku baru lepas hadiri conference sempena  UNIMAS silver jubilee as one of the presenters. Ntah mcm mana la paper aku yg tidak bagus tu boleh dipanggil untuk dibentangkan. Itu satu misteri. So, as expected, i was not as ethusiastic to present the paper. Dengan trauma dari PD, ditambah tiada motivasi dan tak yakin dengan paper tu, aku present like it's not so important. Supervisor aku tanya kwn2 aku sama ada diorg dah ready tak untuk presentation paper masing2. Tapi dia langsung tak tanya aku. Don't get me wrong. I trust my supervisor's decision to let me be independent. But dalam keadaan mental aku yang penuh dgn doubt about myself & my work, aku rasa being independent buat aku makin hilang arah, buat aku tertanya-tanya sama ada aku buat benda yang betul...either my SV trust me, or he's not actually interested in my topic. All those thoughts actually lead me to think that i chose the wrong topic and that my research is not worthy. Yea, suma ni cuma mainan minda. Tapi aku betul2 down.

Aku ni lepas kerja 2 tahun setengah baru sambung study...of course aku expect ada banyak hurdles yg perlu aku hadapi. Tapi semuanya OK saja. Sbb tu aku doubt my progress. Am I really doing okay?

Btw, masa conference tu, i didn't manage to answer the questions properly. I regret that. So, i want to answer all those questions here.

1. What did i meant by 'rural area'?

I didn't expect to be asked this. In my research context, the rural area is the underserved area located around at least 30 minutes from the town. However, the sample population i'm going to study are the villages that has been provided with ICT facilities (telecentre & internet access) by the government.

2. Why did i chose kuching and samarahan which mostly already has the facilities?

1stly, I intentionally doing my study in the area with facilities. If i conduct the research in the area which has no facilities, then i might not be able to identify the reason for internet resistance, coz they have no facilities. Then how can they adopt the technology? The reason would definitely be lack of facility then. Instead, if i did my research in the area with facility, they are many information i can get, including to assess the effectiveness of the intervention itself. I can see the geographical disparities in internet adoption... how their economic activies shape their interest in using internet, and how the intervention help in socioeconomic developement. In addition, moving towards digital economy, the government will provide internet access and improve telecommunication services in the other rural areas. So, it's very important to know the problem now to improve the intervention, therefore it would be impactful from the beginning.

3. When I talk about economic development, is it about e-commerce/e-marketing?

Yea, that was part of it. Mainly, the economic development here is depending on the economic activities of the rural community...which is mostly agricultural activities. Of course, e-marketing is part of it, especially on the marketing of the local product, which would give a great impact on the economic development in these rural areas. Besides that, i'm also looking at the impact of internet on employment and income.

4. Did i really find the negative impact of internet?

The impact of internet adoption is depending on how they use the internet. Based on my observation and literature, as well as interviews with some community members, there are positive & negative impact of it.

A. Education
The internet give a positive impact to the learning behaviour and academic performance through e-learning. But, the overusage of internet by the student on games or other entertainment give a negative impact in their academic performance. This is part of how some parents see telecentre in a negative way.

B. Economic.
There is no negative impact in the economic perspective of the local community.

C. Healthcare
Positive impact: information-seeking (KKM fb)
Negative impact: wrong information-seeking. Looking for 'petua2' that was not confirmed to be right. Rely on information from internet or google to look for a cure instead of going to the clinic.

They are just a few negative cases. Most of the rural people trust clinical treatment more and know that the information from the internet is unreliable when it comes to healthcare.

D. Social
Positive: youth community (gather youth with same interest to find a way to be productive using their interest, such as busking, videography, photography, business & etc., communication, social relation, etc.
Negative: too much exposure to other culture which influence the younger generation. Eg: pornography, drugs & violence.

The negative social impact of internet were mostly commented by the older generation.


That's it. Except for the 1st question, the answer for the other 3 was in my mind during the presentation. But somehow, i cannot say it out. I just want to get my session done with. Prof. N's comments during my PD keeps on rewinding in my head.

I would like to apologize to everyone who was there during my presentation.

I am going to remember my failure, always. So that i keep on improving myself. I must. But somehow i don't see myself improving. Will i be okay?

29 June 2017

M Soc. Sc. Journey

Study plan for 2nd year (Final year)

Tetibe je study plan utk 2nd year...1st year dulu x buat pun. Teehee..

Sem 3 2016/2017
1. Data analysis for 1st data collection - Pilot test done!
2. Improve my research instrument.
3. Getting myself familiar with the reporting template and prepare the template for data analysis report for my thesis writing later on.
4. 2nd data collection. (Actual data collection) -Harap2 ekonomi stabil la untuk tujuan ini. Maklumlah pembiayaan sendiri. Doakan agar dipermudahkan urusan saya ye.
5. Data analysis for 2nd data collection.

Sem 1 2017/2018
1. Journal article writing & submission. (Saya masih x pasti macam mana nak buat artikel ni sebenarnya..maybe sebab i think too much.)
2. Report writing.
3. Thesis writing.

Sem 2 2017/2018
1. Thesis writing & submission.

I know that i'll stuck at thesis writing later on, but i'll do my best to get it right from the beginning, or maybe to minimize the error.

*****

While i am at it, i would like to share my opinion about pursuing master degree for those who plan to.

This is just my opinion.

Doing master by coursework is a better choice instead of doing master by research. Coursework offers a wide range of knowledge in your field and it's very useful for your career development. In contrast, in master by research mode, you're only required to do research and publish your journal article. You don't have classes and you manage your own study/ research. You need to discipline yourself as you have no attendance to fulfilled, no assisgnment, but only your research. For those who don't think you can discipline yourself, don't ever think of doing master by research. Or else, it'll take forever for you to finish your study. (I am doing research mode...i'm not disciplined, but i have this weird nature where i'll cry hard when i do not achieve my target. I'll have regret & i'll be feeling that i'm useless n feel really bad. That's why i push myself hard. Always. For me, crying because life is hard is better than crying because of regret.)

The process of doing master by coursework is the same as doing your undegraduate studies. So, for those who are unprepared to encounter changes in your life, master by coursework would be an ideal choice for you. The probability to extend your study is low as you only need to follow your class schedule and do your assignment and examination. On the other hand, extending your study is very common for research student. You prepare your schedule yourself, for your progress (gant chart) and to meet your supervisor. Since you don't have a fixed schedule, please do not think that it's relaxing. You need to communicate as much as possible with your supervisor, to make sure that you're doing the right thing. (Yea...don't be like me. 😅😂)

You really shouldn't waste any of your time. And i shoudn't be using my writing mood here, but for my journal article writing. 😅

As for me, the reason I took master by research  was simply because of the lower fees as compared to master by coursework. I took the risk, huh. I managed to save just enough money for research mode fees, so money is one of the challenges I face during my study. However, for research student, you will need money for data collection and to publish paper. And at the end of your study, to print your thesis. It would be good if you get research grant/ scholarship/ any financial aid. I have been struggling about this matter since I am currently in the phase of data collection. There is NO MyBrain15 for my intake, so, u really need to save up money for your study. (Only for art & humanities courses. MyBrainSc is still alive.) MONEY is my main challenge up to now. N money is the only reason for me to regret my decision to further my study, sometimes. Only when it's hard, though.

So, that's all for now.

26 June 2017

Social Networking: Social Relationship

Assalamualaikum.
Hello world!

This is in corresponding with my post in 2009, 'Social Networking'. Again, i'm going to discuss about social media and social relationship.

Everyone knows that social media can be a good thing and also a bad thing, depending on the way we use it. In fact, there are positive and negative aspects in almost everything. For instance, drugs can be a cure, but the misuse of it can bring a disaster. That's quite a simple example.

Getting used of communicating through social media makes people take the importance of talking with people for granted. We started to express our feeling in social media, instead of talking. One thing about reading messages that differ from listening to it is that we can get the expression wrongly, thus lead to misunderstanding and that's usually how relationship turns bitter. "That's the use of smileys", some of you might think so. (Please, don't be stubborn)

As we rely more on social media, we forget about the essence of talking, and the reason of communicating. There's no other comunication medium that can be as accurate as talking. So, talk more, and do not rely too much on social media, especially in personal relationship. Listen to each other and do not complicate things through reading each other's expression.

So, that's all for now.


Eid mubarak to all.



******

Prolog


"Oh~my girl!" Sapa irfan sambil mendepakan  kedua tangannya.

"Ouch!" Tak sedar kaki Isfa singgah ke kakinya.
Orang ramai di sekeliling memerhati gelagat mereka.

"Buat apa sini?" Soal Isfa.

"Ouch. That's hurts. I just returned kot.. Jom lunch. I miss u." Ajak irfan bersahaja.

"So he said. Bos, saya lunch dengan dia. I have an important lesson to teach this guy." Isfa membunyikan jari-jarinya sambil menjeling ke arah irfan.

"Huh..it's ok, sir. I just lost my appetite. Take her with u." Lalu berjalan menuju ke kereta.

"Sorry, sir. I got to go."

Isfa melajukan langkah, mengejar irfan. Beg tangannya dilibas ke lengan irfan.

"Adoi!"

05 May 2017

Misc~ Epilog

Aku Shu. Muhammad Lutfi bin Lim Abdullah. Aku mungkin orang yang paling memahami Qaisara. Seumur hidup aku yang baru 25 tahun ni, ruang istimewa di hatiku hanya ada dia, sebagaimana di hatinya hanya ada Wafdan. We share the same love experience. Fall deeply in love with someone from the 1st time we ever learn to have that feeling until now. 

Bagi aku, Q yang pertama dan terakhir. The fact that she love Wafdan one-sidedly hurt me more than knowing that she never had any feeling towards me. Sebab aku faham bagaimana rasanya. Tapi, Q yang setia mencintai seorang lelaki tu yang aku suka, walaupun lelaki tu bukan aku. Aku cuba sampaikan perasaanku beberapa kali, tapi sentiasa ditolak dengan baik. Mau saja aku kasi 1 penumbuk kat Wafdan. Siapakah Wafdan sampaikan aku yang macho sado lagi bergaya ni pun dia tolak? Just kidding.

Siang tadi, aku terserempak dengan Q. Ok..itu tipu. Aku tau sekarang dia pelatih kaunseling di sini. Jadi aku saja nak tengok dia..dari jauh. Kalau dekat sangat nanti berdebar pula jantungku. Kalau bunyi best macam Pete Ray's drum sound takpe la jugak.

Q sedang bercakap dengan seorang pelajar perempuan. Tiba-tiba dia menoleh dan ternampak aku. Bila mata bertentangan... 

Kemudian dia menaip something di HP nya. Notifikasi HP ku berbunyi seketika kemudian. Whatsapp dari dia.

'Shu, what's up? Nak jumpe sy ke? Kejap ye. Dah nak selesai ni.'

Haih..boleh pula dia men HP time tengah session. Alamak. Tadi plan nak tengok dari jauh je. Aku rasa nak lari..tapi rasa nak stay jugak. Aku fikir punya lama nak lari ke stay sampai dia selesai sesi dan keluar dari biliknya dan berjalan menuju aku. Ek..bila dia dtg jmpa aku, tak pula aku berdebar. 

Kami borak macam biasa. Ya, kami kawan. Aku takla kecewa dengan hakikat yang kami hanya kawan. It can't be helped. Q pernah cakap, 'being in love with Wafdan somehow became a habit. Unconciously.' Mungkin macam tu juga la aku rasa kat dia. Mencintainya dah jadi habit. 

Q,Of all the things u can steal from me, why must it be my heart?


"Ehem. Buat apa tu?" Sapa Lutfi yang berdiri di muka pintu.
Qaisara mengangkat diari Lutfi. "Reading." Jawabnya.
"What? Oh my wife, sayang... Punya banyak lagi buku di rak tu, kenapa la diari ni jugak awak nak baca?" Lalu menutup diari di tangan Q.
"Buku-buku tu saya dah habis baca." Ujar Q.
"Oh ya? Takpe. Nanti saya beli satu rak lagi dengan buku-buku baru. Jom gerak." Ajak Lutfi. "Isfa minta awak datang awal kan?" Sambungnya lagi. 

Qaisara hanya diam lalu bangun dari kerusi dan  mengejar Lutfi yang tergesa-gesa keluar dari bilik dengan muka merah.

"Abang, I have developed a new habit." Ujar Q sambil bergerak beriringan menuju ke kereta.
"Ya? Apa dia?" Tanya Lutfi sambil menekan butang unlock keretanya. 
"Feeling happy for being loved by u."

03 May 2017

Rambling

Assalamualaikum.

Hi everyone. I'm now 27 years old. 27 years old on 27th April 2017. Sounds good... People said, woman around my age don't really like talking about age. But i'm one of those who do not care about it. As i grow older, i feel grateful. Being someone with a bad health, i'm really grateful to live another day in my life.

How are you? I hope everyone is fine and doing  your best to make everyday in your life the best day. As i'm always trying to.

Are you having a hard time? I don't think i'm the right person to respond to that situation. This few months, i too, having quite a hard time...by myself. Even so, if u're having a hard time, i hope you can talk to someone about it. Especially your family. Your family would want you to talk and rely on them. As for me, i endured well. Healed myself. I am not expressive about my own feeling after all. I distract myself with working, teaching, and studying. When i tried to talk with someone, i always ended up listening. Maybe that's why, it become harder to talk about myself with anyone. It's good though...i can at least be of help to someone. 😀

To achieve something, instead of waiting for good fortune or talent, one should put in endless efforts and must go through hardships. It ain't over 'til it's over.

Once, in a motivational talk, I talk about CHANGE. With just a small change in our perspective/ way of thinking, we can gain a bit more confidence and motivation. It can change our lives. I too, have so many weakness. I am introvert. I'm uncomfortable with crowds, and even phone call (it's hard to even call my parents). I'm scared of many things. One thing that makes me feel better despite those weaknesses is, it makes me realize that i have people who understand me. People who will stand beside me unconditionally. Someone who would offer to help and cheer me when i need to be in crowds and talk in front of many people. Someone who didn't feel bad about me rejecting their phone call. Someone who patiently sit with me and bear with my silence and try to make me talk without forcing me. Even with all those weaknesses, I live with gratefulness. They are the strength Allah gives me to help me with my weaknesses.

For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease.
Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. 
Surah Al-Insyirah, 5- 6

So what if u have a weakness? Or more than one. We can try to change. If it's too hard, it's fine not to change. We can just learn how to cope in those situations. I remember my 1st talk with the community. I held the microphone with both hands. The kids who sat in front of me asked:

"Kak, ktk mok belagu ka?" (Are u going to sing?)

I smiled.

The next time it happen, i responded,

"Aok..ktk mok request lagu pa?" (Yea, what song do u want to request?) and the crowds laughed.

Until today, i am still uncomfortable and nervous in crowds. It's a situation that i will avoid as long as i can. But if it's unavoidable, i'll just go through it. Being responsible is more important than being comfortable.

You want to live an easy life? Then, don't expect anything. Don't do anything. Every expectation comes with hardwork. Hopes or wishes come with effort. Dream or ambition comes with determination and diligence. What is the meaning of your life, then?


What's important isn't trying not to trip/ fall, but how quickly u can get back up.

******************

About my study....

In fact, deep inside my heart, i'm giving up. But i know that i shouldn't actually give up...for my parents and my supervisor. So, i'll just walk through the path. It's quite hard though. I feel like throwing up everytime i study and do my research. I'll just endure and end this properly.

I can't clearly see the path ahead me.
Unsure of what's tomorrow will have waiting for me.

In life, a refresh is essential.
Indeed.

*******************

Sulaman rindu pada hati yang meraih cinta Pencipta
Bisikan redha demi mengejar sebuah halawatul iman
Cipta grafiti cinta berseni hakiki penuh makna
Indah terlakar dalam tiupan ketenangan

***
Aku mengukir makna dalam tarian tinta
Memanggil inspirasi dalam grafiti cinta
Memadam khayalan kaburi aspirasi hati
Mengamati ritma hidup, bermeditasi.

*******************


Since when did our path become so parallel that it seems like it'll never crossed each other. I tried as much as I can, but it's hard to express my feeling. I hesitated, many times. A decade passed, and I'm still filled with both love and hesitation. I never expect that 'I love u' is such a hard word to say.

.
.
.
.
.

Signifikankah aku di hatimu?

I wonder, would my feeling ended up being like a tennis tournament. Coz in tennis, 'love' is 0 (zero).

27 April 2017

Dilemma

'Huuuuhhh'...badan dihempas ke atas katil sebelah.

Katil sendiri penuh dengan instrumen kajian yang bertaburan, nota dan laptop. Kalau mak nampak...

'Tempat tidur kakak ni dikemas macam mana sekalipun, akan jadi macam tongkang pecah juga.' Terngiang-ngiang suara merdu mak di telingaku.

Itu boleh dikatakan dialog mingguan mak. Cuma sedikit berubah olahan ayatnya. Kata kunci masih sama. Indeed, mak aku konsisten orangnya. 👍👍👍

Bangun. Duduk. Tersenyum sendiri. Lalu bangkit mengemas katil. Instrumen dan nota disusun dan diletakkan di atas meja. Cadar yang terbuka dipasang semula. Kemudian, aku baring di katil sendiri yang sudah kemas, indah tersusun rapi. Siap wangi dengan wangian Febreze. Berbau bersih dan segar.

Oh ya, sekarang, mejaku pula penuh. 😅

Telefon bimbit dikeluarkan dari beg galas. Mobile data dihidupkan. 1 bunyi notifikasi whatsapp. Hanya 1 selepas 16 jam. Terkagum pula dekat diri sendiri. Bukan chat peribadi, tetapi group whatsapp.

'Aaa...nampak gayanya aku dah totally insignificant to him.' Ini menjadikan tahun lepas tahun terakhir aku menerima ucapan "Happy Birthday" dari crush aku. Senyum. Namun, aku akui menyedari hakikat tu, aku sedikit terkilan. It's the end, huh...

Sekejap je aku being bothered by those feeling. Then, aku kembali sibuk berfikir dan menelaah.

Selepas lebih sejam menelaah artikel-artikel jurnal, aku baring seketika. Fikir tentang hidup.

Aku a bit anxious lately. I can't see myself as anything in the future. Tak tau aku suka apa dan nak jadi apa. Tak ada so-called cita-cita n passion. So, i thought i should just do my best in the present...for whatever comes in my life. Kawan ku cakap, aku ni 'Jack of  all trades, a master of none.' I can do every type of task given to me. But not particularly good at something. It sounds like i am skillful, but it's not like that at all...it's just that i have to do it. Even if it's something new, we can learn and do it. Even if it's hard for us, we can force ourselves to complete the task. We all do the same, right?

My mom said, i have to be responsible in my job. Trying to do my best at anything, maybe that's why I'm not sure what is the thing I'm best at. Future worries me. I think having passion or ambition can make it easy for us to focus on one thing. But I don't have such thing.

I too, want to feel happy doing my job.

23 March 2017

Abang

Terdetik hatiku untuk menulis tentang aku dan abangku. Secara spesifiknya abang keduaku.

Hubungan antara aku dan abangku yang sorang ni boleh dikatakan unik. Boleh aku katakan, jika ditulis dialog yang pernah wujud di antara kami seumur hidup ni, mungkin x penuh satu mukasurat A4, font Arial, saiz 18, spacing 1.5. Kami tak gaduh, dan aku tak benci dia. Tak tau la dia. Sebenarnya, aku pun ingin tahu kenapa dia tak bercakap denganku sepertimana dia berborak dengan abang2ku yang lain dan adikku. Apakah salahku? Or mungkin dia hanya tak berminat dengan hidup aku. Hahaha..😂😂😂

Daripada ketiga-tiga abangku, aku paling respek kat abang aku ni...walaupun hubungan kami ni macam stranger... or maybe stranger than stranger. Aku bercita-cita nak surpass abang aku ni. Tapi sampai sekarang, gagal...dan takkan berjaya. Agak2nya aku ni ada chance nak berjaya ke tak? Hmm. Makin aku kejar, makin jauh dia pergi. Rezeki dia.

Kami sekarang sama2 di UNIMAS, di Samarahan. Tapi tak tinggal sama la. Tapi kalau org lain, bila sorang tak dapat balik pasal kereta rosak, mesti balik sama2 kan? Ada yang memang setiap minggu carpool balik kampung. Nama pun adik-beradik kandung. Tambahan pula, harga minyak melambung tinggi. Tapi kami ni tak. Aku pernah sebulan tak balik pasal kereta tak servis lagi gara2 gaji tak masuk2. Aku punya homesick nangis nak balik, tapi aku tak juga minta tumpang abang aku. Kalau aku minta, dia tak kisah pun...aku tau. Tapi awkward gila rasanya tetiba nak call or whatsapp dia. Hahaha. Baru nak whatsapp. Imagine aku kena duduk dalam kereta dengan dia dari samarahan ni ke Telaga Air. Berdua. Wooo...gila awkward.

Aku pun selalu terfikir, mungkin dia tak suka aku macam dia suka adik aku. Or mungkin aku ni invisible bagi dia. Tapi takpa, itu wajar. Aku lacking too much. Not someone he can be proud of as a little sister.

Alhamdulillah. Minggu lepas, 19 Mac 2017, dia selamat bergelar suami kepada gadis pilihannya dengan satu lafaz. Aku tumpang hepi.

Agak2nya bang, ada x waktunya kelak kita jadi macam adik-beradik lain? I am sorry if i ever did something wrong, halalkan makan, minum, belanja yg kitak berik. Moga berbahagia dan sentiasa berjaya dalam limpahan rahmat dan barakah di dunia dan di akhirat.


-Lala

19 March 2017

T-O-L

Assalamualaikum. Hi? Everyone. Today, i'm going to write a useless and meaningless post. So, for that, i apologize.

Some might have known that i am the forth children among the five. My older brothers has now all been married. Alhamdulillah. This few days, i've been thinking a lot. (I am quite a deep thinker). Being next in line, i feel that i should work harder to be responsible to most of our household matters now. Since all the older siblings are married, i understand that now, they need to divide their attention, love, and responsibility.

N now, it's my turn. I should be at least reliable.

But lately, nothing is going well in my life. Everyday nowadays, i've been feeling like calling a quit on everything. Career, study, love...everything is in a mess. So, i want to at least do well as a daughter and sister. My parent is getting older, weaker, & more sensitive. But i've done nothing to make them happy and feel at ease.

I really should get serious about my career now. Should find something else that would be helpful for me to be a reliable daughter. Yea, I really should.

18 March 2017

Positive Distraction

Assalamualaikum everyone.

It has been quite a while, right?

Lala has done with her proposal defense. It didn't go well. But it's ok...i did my best, so i have no regret. But yea, to be frank, it hurts a bit. 😂

'If i failed after doing my best, i'll have no regret.'

So, today i would like to share about 'Positive Distraction'. I'm not sure whether the term exists or not, but it is something i come up with during my hectic period since end of last year until nowadays.

I am one of those people who didn't release her stress, anger, sadness, or anything of the same through hanging out with friends and playing around, eat, etc. In fact, doing those will only increase the pressure i already have. The reason is simple.

1. Coz i don't have the luxury to waste my time and money for that.
2. I am not a social person, it's awakward for me.

So, what do i do when i'm facing those situations? I study or work. When i lost my focus while working or suddenly can't think of anything or any idea, i'll study. Study will distract me from thinking too much and hence waste my time. On the other hand, when i have problem in my study, or has no inspiration, i'll distract myself from my study with doing my work. Sounded like i have no life, right? But don't worry, i'm living just fine.

That is what i call positive distraction. A beneficial distraction. That's how i cope with pressure in work or study.



*This doesn't mean that i never feel pressured or stressful. I do. Always, in fact. Usually, it is because of people.