A letter to my Future self

To myself at the age of 35.

Are you alive? If you’re, alhamdulillah.

How's mak, ayah, and the others? I hope everyone is healthy and happy.

How’s your health? Have you been taking care your health or still doesn’t care about it?

Did you pursue your PhD as you planned? Have you completed your study?

Are you married? With whom? What are you doing now?

Today, I am 26. At this age, I am still pursuing my study. When I am writing this, I am actually thinking about my future. It is full of questions, though. Coz I never had a dream, never thought of wanting to be this or that. People around me keep on asking about marriage, but I had never really thought about it. I had never actually be in a relationship, so how am I supposed to think about marriage. All I have on my mind right now is my research. I settled my Chapter 1 & Chapter 2 yesterday morning, reviewed by my supervisor. 

Future planning? I only think about pursuing PhD after this. But who knows my mind might change later. Future is unpredictable after all.

Today, I decided to forget about someone I like for the past 10 years. For being able to keep my heart for that person for a decade, I'm too loyal. Maybe my feeling has become a burden to him. It’s hard to erase him from my heart since liking him has become a habit. I am not sure whether you still remember who’s that person. I had gone through a lot of experiences. Good ones, as well as hard ones. Today, I asked myself, “what is the thing that keep me going on during the hardest moment in my life?”. I think about it deeply. I might be able to be understanding of other people, or at least try to be understanding, but I have difficulties to understand myself. I hope by now; you’ve found the answer. I hope you remain as yourself at the age of 26. To appreciate every day and every encounter in your life.

Lately, I have been worried about myself. For some reasons, I think I started to become more comfortable of being alone, again. The working environment now is totally opposite of the previous working environment that require me to sit at the counter and interact with people, as well as teaching and giving talks. Nowadays, I have been working and studying in an individual office. I talk less nowadays. I just prefer to be quiet. Back in my previous job, I struggle hard to interact with people, and now, no such struggling, huh. What about your working environment, now? 

This is the first time I decide for myself. Before this, everything I did and decided were always about other people, especially my parents. I was feeling guilty actually. To be a sick child and be troublesome and make them worry back then. The scene of my mom been scolded by doctor when my health was deterioting is still clear in my mind. Also, last year during an event, I lay in bed for 2 days. And early this year, my anaemia bacame severe and I lay in bed for a week. Maybe, that's the reason she let me resigned from my previous job and do what I have always wanted. Mom has sacrifies too much for me. 

I hope, now you think about yourself more and not letting pressure affect your health. Remember those people who always want to see a healthy and cheerful you, like nowadays. I hope you are now able to forgive and forget all the bad things happened in the past. You're often an optimist. They said, an optimist see a half full glass instead of  half empty. And they see the ring of the doughnut instead of the hole. In every obstacle, you always try to see the opportunity. You should keep being that way. Although there are times when your beliefs shaken, you will recover, as long as you clear your mind, and reflect upon the problem. You'll be fine. Today, and in the future. Emm...however, it's okay to cry sometimes. It's fine to rely on others. 

I wonder what are you doing now? I wonder whether you’re still alive and healthy. I wonder whether you are now has become a reliable person. I wonder whether you’ve changed. If yes, whether you become a better person or bad person. I wonder whether you still have the desire to help people. I, all this time have been afraid of changing negatively. If nowadays you have changed negatively, I hope you can change yourself to be a better person.

Do you remember? Whenever you went to interview sessions, and you’re asked about what kind of person do you want to be, you always answered “I want to be someone beneficial to others.” I believe that those words were sincere. Khairunnas, anfa’uhum linnas. You have no specific dream or ambition. Just that all these time you have always wanted to be someone beneficial/useful to the society. Talking about society, I wonder how’s the society now? Is it still sick? In 2016, there are so many inconvenient things happened in the society. It’s worrisome. Have you found the remedy for the social illness for our society? The remedy is there, but to convince everyone to cure our society is challenging, right? Thinking about this, I wonder, will there be the year of 2025? If there is, you must have read this letter.

That’s it for now. Do not forget to thank others for their kindness and to apologize for every mistakes/wrongdoings. Keep the strong beliefs and be happy. Live your life to the fullest!

Regards,

Adila, 2016

My bestfriend is getting MARRIED!

Assalamualaikum.

Hello everyone, again.

My bestfriend is getting married! I was shocked for a second there, when she broke the news. 

To Herniza,

Barakallah. Tahniah. Moga dipermudahkan segala urusan. All the best!

Let's reminiscing a bit.

Kalau tak silap, 1st time kita jumpa masa gotong-royong surau KML. Jujurnya la, actually masa tu I was kinda forced to be there by one of the alumni. Aku tak rasa aku patut berada di situ…dengan ramai stranger nya. Ko org pertama menyapa aku. U're that kind. Then, kita berkenalan la. Kita banyak bercerita, sampai la kita dapat tau kita ada masalah kesihatan yang sama. Jadi lebih rapat pula. Then, ko decide nak berenti matrik dan pindah masuk poli. Sedih gila kot. Tapi aku sokong ja keputusanmu. Walaupun berat rasa hati. Menangis aku tau x...teruk juga aku menangis masa tu. Di surau hari last ko di KML aku buat cool ja...sampai ada yang cakap aku ni xda perasaan. Ada yang cakap, "sampai hati ila.."..yala, mungkin sebab diorg selalu nampak kita sama2. 

Because of u, aku kenal and kamceng juga la dengan si Eqa, pengganti tempat mu utk AJK surau tu. Ko suruh aku tolong2 dia.

Aku ingat juga satu hari tu kita ditegur sebab nakal di surau. Tapi x ingat dah apa kita buat masa tu. Selain tu, ada ni sorg muslimah yg aku admire. Siap minta bergambar lagi dengan dia. Hahaha…apa tu..a kind of muslimah that I can never be like? Haha…apa khabar agaknya Si Hazar tu. (Hazar, kalo kmu terjumpa entry ni, maaf tau, ni bukan mengumpat. Memang dulu saya admire kamu…)

Masa aku stay KK dengan Kak Lin, aku ajak kak Lin jumpa ko. Pastu tak tau nak cakap pasal apa. Kekok sebab lama tak jumpa. Macam kena ice-breaking balik. Tu kan last kita jumpa. Huu~. Pastu selalu juga la contact. Cuma x lama lepas tu kita lost contact. Lama juga lost contact, aku cari ko di FB. Then contact balik. Aku ja kan yang mencari...Ni tup2 aku wasap ko, ko bagitau yang ko nak kawen dah. 

Aku tak pasti lagi sama da aku dapat hadir majlismu. InsyaAllah aku usahakan. Aku takda di sampingmu masa ko hadapi saat sukar dulu. Aku harap di hari bahagiamu, aku dapatla hadir. Aku hanya merancang, Allah juga yang menentukan.

I'm really happy for u.

Oh yea..

Kepada Encik Suami Herniza, thank you. Please take good care of her. Yoroshiku ne~

Aku? No rush. Still enjoy being single.

Aku tak ramai kawan...bukanla antisocial..it's just that I  can hardly open myself to other people. Di KML, selain kwn 1 sekolah & roomate ku yg nakal dan lucu tu, aku cuma rapat dengan herniza & Eqa. Although diorg ajak lepak dengan yang lain, aku xdpt nak open myself to them. Bukan memilih kawan, tp it's a psychological matter. So, i'm really thankful for ever meet her. Thank you very much for being friends with me even though I am lacking too much.